Growing Up.

by Lori Dwyer on August 11, 2014 · 9 comments

One post at a time.

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I go through periods of mourning my own parenthood. I didn’t expect that, to reminisce and yearn for years as they pass. I thought- for the longest time- that parenting involved ticking off boxes, being excessively grateful every time a new milestone was reached. My daughter is toilet trained? Mega bonus. My son can finally pour his own cereal in the morning? Total win.

And it is like that, to a certain degree. The older my kidlets get, the more independant they are, the easier things become. The more time I have to myself.

It is like that, and it’s not. Because even while I am grateful for every day older they grow, every task they can successfully complete themselves; I’m also sad. Sad in a place I only vaguely knew existed before.

I miss them being little. Tiny little. I miss having two sweet, grubby toddlers. I miss days at home with them. I miss cooking cupcakes and watching Play School. I miss cuddle toys and midday naps, dummies and playgroup.

I miss having the knowledge that these little people are mine to shape and grow. I mourn for the reassurance that if I’m fucking this up- and I alays feel like I am- I have time to rectify it. That I have years to turn things around, should they inevitably go awry.

I don’t have that leeway anymore. My children are growing like… children. The Chop is almost seven years old, the Bump just shy of five. She’s at school next year. And while I’m looking forward to that– to days of freedom, to slightly more independant little people– I’m sad, too.

My rose–colored nostalgia glasses insist on it. I wear them often, and they cloud most things with their sickly sweet pink tinge. It’s easy to mourn for things past. The future’s so unpredictable. It’s easier on the soul to hurt just slightly for things that have already happened, rather than think about what may come.

 

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

spagsy October 13, 2014 at 10:53 am

Hi Lori,
so much has happened in past six years that its natural to want to hit the breaks and relive things that are foggy memories… looking at the world through kids eyes is fun, and you of all people know that. Maybe its time to get back into the costume and do the magic thing again?

Take care
XX rah rah from Lara

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eleanor September 12, 2014 at 6:13 am

Look forward to being a grandparent. Pleasure without responsibility

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Courtney Heatley August 24, 2014 at 11:33 pm

Where does the time go? looking back on all our memories shared together with some fondness and nostalgia our little bubbas so fresh and new and smelling of sweet milk and baby soap.. Love you Lori xo xo

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Lori August 12, 2014 at 1:00 pm

I’m with you! Mine are all in their twenties now and I still get sad when I look at pictures of them when they were little. I miss those days. One more story time, one more play at the park….But I’m looking forward to grandkids – the chance to right any wrongs I made with my own kids. At least that’s what I’ve heard.
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giddypony August 12, 2014 at 6:14 am

Sister, I hear you. I have a 17 year old.who just started his senior.year in high school, and a 12 year old who is starting 7th grade. I am trying hard.to remain in the.present with the oldest moving away from home looming. Oh.Well, I.guess any.f#cking them up has been accomplished already!

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Charmaine Campbell August 11, 2014 at 11:37 am

I hear you! Mine are almost 11 and just turned 7. If not for serious health issues for both my husband and I, I think I would be now thinking about another baby.

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Cathy August 11, 2014 at 10:29 am

I’m glad you’re back!

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