You choose between being frozen and numb and relatively safe; or alive and able to laugh and be hurt and cry.
And while it’s lovely to be happy, when it hurts it’s excruciating. Pain is not just heartache, it’s magnified by what I’ve seen, by my own sucking black hole of neediness.
It’s not you, says a mate of mine. It’s fucked, but it’s not your fault. It’s just your situation– you’re reactive to everything, and that can’t be helped.
But eventually your situation becomes part of you. Reactions, to a certain extent, are so much out of your control.
It’s not my fault, I didn’t choose this, I didn’t do this. Yet it effects everything. It scares people, the horror of my situation too confronting. And no matter how much I try to hide it, my pain is a too real, too raw, still fresh and bleeding. While I’ve had so long to get to used to it, for other people it can still be a shock, even when they know me– they think they’ve seen everything, that they know just how bad it is, and then I’ll inadvertently reveal another facet, another hole it’s left, another horrible consequence of this event. And people will turn away, without meaning too, without realizing it– but I see it, every time, attuned to it as I am.
I am so sick of this. I wish I could forget about it, but I can’t. If I had divorced, a year… That’s enough time to be ‘over it’. When someone’s died, when someone’s taken their own life… It doesn’t matter how much how much time has passed, how used to the idea I am– for everyone else this is too much, too much, too soon, too full on, far too real to deal with. Me, and the events that took place, bound together and inseparable and painful. I can let go, as much as psychologically possible… But other peoples can’t, and how can I blame them? I know the horror of this, I know how fucking awful this is, I live it every day.
And do you know what it’s like, to live like this? To be frozen and feel nothing, want nothing, go through the motions, with the only thing you really ever feel being an ugly, deep, searing anger…?
Or the flip side of that tarnished coin… to defrost, just a little, to trust someone just a bit, quite possibly to be kicked in the guts because it’s just too much to handle; when I didn’t do this, this is not my fault… all I want to do is move on, but that’s far too difficult a request to ask of other people.
So you defrost, you get burnt, it hurts all over again. What choice is there but to freeze again? It doesn’t matter if that means you don’t laugh, don’t smile, that the only emotion you ever really feel is anger… at least it doesn’t hurt. At least you won’t be be kicked in the face all over again, reminded not to trust anyone.
Numb. This is no way to live. But people are idiots and I can’t keep letting myself get hurt like this.
This has eaten me, whole, and I can no longer function is the normal world.