My Tony

by Lori Dwyer on January 5, 2012 · 47 comments

It would be my Tony’s 35th birthday today.

Tomorrow marks one year since I last heard his voice, felt his arms on me… one year since the world was a safe and contenting place to be.

 I miss him so much, some days it hurts every time I breathe in. I’d give anything that was mine to give, to see him again. To hear him laugh.

He stopped me taking life too seriously, teased me into smiling when I needed to… I miss that.

I miss the simple pleasure he took in our children, especially his son.

I’m aching for the presence of him, the essence of him. It’s been a year. I didn’t know I would still miss him so much, so fervently, after a year.

It hurts to think about it too much…. I hesitate in writing, my fingers brushing keys with deliberance instead of pounding them, fleeting across them, not being able to type fast enough to keep up with my brain.

If I go too far, you see, if I write what’s clamoring at the back of mind… the way his eyes were the colour of melted chocolate, how much he would have adored our daughter if he knew her know, how proud of me he was, how he knew me better than anyone… if I get into to that, probe too deeply, I may not come back out that fog all day. My mind will begin that rocking rhythm again…. “This time last year…” (Anxiety attacks that peak and burn, sucking the oxygen from the air around me so I can’t breath, and I wonder if this is how Tony felt, driving home from work on the last day of his life… My God. What a tragic, terrifying thought.)

***

Tony loved to take photos when we first got together, and occasionally he was very good at it. This is one of his best.. my favorite, taken, I think, before our kids were even conceived.

Tony taking photos was one of those things that slipped by the wayside as our children came along… I became the family photographer, Tony’s camera broke and we never got around to replacing it.

I think about that, and how it only really occurred to me now, that fatherhood took that from him… and I wonder what else we took from him, without knowing, and with the best of intentions… what else did having a family take from him, that I never stopped to see?

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{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }

Stef (City Girl) January 7, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Thinking of you with thoughts and prayers. I never realized until I lost my mom that grief doesn't ever really end. It just changes or exhibits itself in different forms. It's a heartbreaking lesson to learn. Hugs from DC.

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Sharon @ Hear Mum Roar January 7, 2012 at 11:02 am

You have been and always will be in my thoughts at this time of year. Can't believe it's a year. You've grown so much since it's happened too, but what a way to do it, huh?

Sending lots of love

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T January 6, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Thinking of you – as many others have said be gentle on yourself, tread softly and go with whatever it is that feels right.

I think we all 'lose' something when we become parents but we all gain so much more xx

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Spirited! January 6, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Thinking of you today Lori. I hope you are surrounded with love and support and a sense of how far you have come since that terrible day a year ago. xxx

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Janet January 7, 2012 at 5:13 am

Thinking of you and praying for you. You won't be alone forever, don't let that horrible voice tell you so. You deserve to be happy. Take care!

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Kellie January 6, 2012 at 3:32 pm

You've been in my thoughts, Lori. Take care of yourself. xx

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Amy January 6, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Lori, I've been thinking about you so much this week. I can't imagine what you are going through but I hope there is some small comfort in knowing that we are all here for you. If there is anything you need, there are people here who will do anything to make it happen.

Sending you love
Xoxo

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MaidInAustralia January 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I've been thinking of you too. I'm not going to offer any advice, just know that I care xo

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Watershedd January 6, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Ask yourself, what did he love most about being a parent and husband, then you'll know what both gave to him. In life, there's simply not enough time for everything we adore, so we rationalise our choices and take the most important the very best. Wishing you peace as always.

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Sarah January 6, 2012 at 4:49 am

Think about it this way…

What has motherhood taken from you? Would you trade it in to have that *whatever* back?

I can think of things it has taken from me (like sleep tonight!) but there is no way I would ever want to go back to not having my babies. I'm almost certain you are the same. And Tony would've been the same too.

Love you loads xxx

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Melissa January 6, 2012 at 4:27 am

Oh dear girl, I've been thinking so much about you. My heart is breaking for you all over again. You've come such a long way.
Though parenting "takes" a lot from a person, I think we give it willingly, no? It changes us, but in the end I think we'd give anything for our kids. I'm sure your beloved Tony would have.
Thank you for sharing these little bits of who he was with us.
Lots of love.

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Livi January 6, 2012 at 3:48 am

*big hugs* sending love

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Jayne January 6, 2012 at 3:15 am

You gave him so much in return, Lori. You still do. Every time you tell his story, speak his name aloud or think of him in your private moments.

I am so sorry for your pain. Love to you xx

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Kelloggsville January 6, 2012 at 1:31 am

That is a really cool picture.

ride the waves.

xxxx

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Jodie January 6, 2012 at 12:23 am

thinking of you. xxx

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Rebecca Munro January 5, 2012 at 11:23 pm

I am among those who have been thinking of you a lot recently Lori… I haven't been able to catch your blog lately, but I remembered that this very difficult week was coming up for you… You & your beautiful children are always in my thoughts & prayers – this week especially. xo

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marketingtomilk January 5, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Thinking of you today. I know i am utterly dreading the year marker for the start of my loss and grief, i can only begin to imagine the disbelief you must feel today.

M2M

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Lipstick and Licorice January 5, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Leaving some love and hugs XOX

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Giving Back Girl January 5, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Be kind to yourself, fill your heart and mind with beautiful memories, with love and with the knowledge that he would have been so proud of how far you and your children have come in 12 months. You are incredible. Believe it. Kia kaha

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Leese January 5, 2012 at 8:36 pm

This comment has been removed by the author.

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themodernparent January 5, 2012 at 8:35 pm

This comment has been removed by the author.

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themodernparent January 5, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Thinking of you often and especially at this time, take care of you x

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MultipleMum January 5, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Oh Lori. Happy birthday Tony! Such a difficult day/week for you. Sending love and hugs to you today and tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow x

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Lauren January 5, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Lori, I only came across your blog a few weeks ago but have been keeping up to date ever since. Just wanted you to know I'm sending lots of love your way during these next few days. Lauren

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Melissa January 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I've been thinking of you for days. My first thought when the clock struck Midnight on Monday was "This is Lori & Tony's week". Odd, maybe. But it's been constantly on my mind ever since.

You are probably being thought of by thousands this week (as ever, but more this week). I woke this morning and whispered to Joel "It's Tony's birthday today". Surprisingly (or maybe not), he knew what I meant. He knew exactly who I was thinking about.

My love to you, Lori. It's all I have to give.

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Jodie Ansted January 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Have been thinking of you.

xxx

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Anonymous January 5, 2012 at 1:13 pm

No One ever gives up doing the things that they love. Tony must have found a much bigger love in you and your family. I'm sure you didnt take away his love, you just gave him a bigger brighter better one.

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Glowless @ Where's My Glow January 5, 2012 at 12:39 pm

"and I wonder what else we took from him, without knowing, and with the best of intentions… what else did having a family take from him, that I never stopped to see?"

It may have taken more… but look what it gave him in it's place.

You're never far from my thoughts, Lori xxx

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Anna January 5, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Dear Lori,
I've never commented but I hope it helps you to know that you are in my thoughts at the moment. I've been watching out for you via your blog, knowing it's going to be extra hard and worrying for you. Just try to go gently, get through each minute, each five minutes, each hour and before you know it, you will make it through this last 'first'.
Love (I hope you don't mind this even though we've never met).
Anna

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Anonymous January 5, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Be gentle with yourself, as much as you can, at this bitch of a time. Thinking of u lots.
Love & hugs
FMIDK

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Tricia January 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm

These days are hard. Do whatever feels right for you with no expectations or pressure. Thank you for sharing so eloquently, this part of your journey. Your words make a difference. We have never met, but have much in common. Cyber hugs.
Tricia

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emmaincanada16 January 5, 2012 at 11:57 am

I think, I hope, that he would say that what you gave him- the family, the beautiful children, the love- was worth so much more than whatever slipped by the wayside.

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Rachel January 5, 2012 at 11:54 am

Lori, I've been thinking about u n how hard this anniversary is. Try n keep yourself occupied tomorrow, go out with your children n your closest friends, have something positive to think about! It will be tough but it might help if only for a bit to have something positive to do for the day. Lots of pple r thinking of u! Xxx

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Rin January 5, 2012 at 11:54 am

I haven't been able to stop thinking about you lately. I don't know what to say, except thank you for continue to share your thoughts and feelings so honestly. I guess we all need to know that you are ok (well as ok as anyone can be) as the first anniversary draws ever closer.

xxx

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Heidi January 5, 2012 at 10:24 am

I read but am not sure I've ever commented here – maybe once or twice – but I wanted to say that I'm thinking of you especially right now, and sending my love.

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Samelia's Mum January 5, 2012 at 9:45 am

I've been thinking about you this last few days and sending you all the positive vibes and love that I have xo

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Library girl January 5, 2012 at 9:41 am

For everything we get, we lose something. But I personally think in the case of children, what we get far outweighs what we lose. Thinking of you this month. Much love xx

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Christy Myers January 5, 2012 at 8:59 am

Thinking of you lots this week. Sending you big cyber hugs. Take it slowly this week and do what ever you need to to get through it. xxx

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deardarl January 5, 2012 at 8:54 am

Remember what you gave him.
Love
XA

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ruddygood January 5, 2012 at 8:53 am

Honey, this is potent and powerful writing, no matter how hesitant. Your heart is so open and raw again right now; treat yourself with love and care. Thinking of you. xxx

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Being Me January 5, 2012 at 8:53 am

Encircled in care today, tomorrow, this month… always. So unspeakably hard. My thoughts are with you xxx

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PinkPatentMaryJanes January 5, 2012 at 8:51 am

Oh Lori, I can't imagine how tough this time is – thinking of you x

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Carly Findlay January 5, 2012 at 8:50 am

Like so many I have been thinking about you these few weeks. Can't imagine what you're feeling. But I'm so glad you have got this blog as a platform to write your thoughts out and receive support.
Much love

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Annieb25 January 5, 2012 at 8:41 am

Go gently these next few days. xxx

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bigwords is... January 5, 2012 at 8:34 am

I've been thinking about you a lot of late, honey. Much love to you, you've had fucking hard ride and man, I'm so proud of you. xx

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Madmother January 5, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Oh Darlin',
I hear you! I cannot delve below simple surface thought about Mum. Very different, I know, but still that raw abcess of grief, thinly scabbed over, threatening to break through and pour forth.

Be good to you.

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Ames January 5, 2012 at 9:27 am

Like everyone I'm thinking of you this week and sending my love.
xxx

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