Some things, some people, they are just better at a distance. Up close, things come swirling to the surface that just weren’t there before.
For those of you follow closely, that’s what happened here. But it happened in a way that was quite OK… there was no painful conversation, just a ceasing of phone calls as much on his part as mine.
It makes me see things, though. It’s as if that awful fever was simply to burn off bad ideas, burn off wishful thinking and romantic expectation.
I’m not ready for this, for anything like it, and it’s only my insecurities that are making me think it’s a good idea, that are convincing me that romance is something I need.
I am the female version of a real life Jerry Macguire… I just cannot be alone. I never have been. From the time I was roughly fifteen years old, it’s been boyfriend to boyfriend, partner to partner… trying to find someone who loved me, who thought I was not only acceptable but glorious.
Meeting Tony, finding that stability, it was such a blessed relief, no more pressure, no more pushing, running, feeling that desperate hole in the centre of my chest where my solar plexus leaks into my soul; telling myself that I was not quite pretty, funny, or complete enough, that there would always be something wrong and ugly about me.
Having a family, a man, a husband.. all that proved that snickering, bickering voice wrong. There was only the slightest regret that the exhilaration of finding someone new was not something I would feel again. But having lost my man the way I did, that voice is back.
But it’s just a voice. It took me twelve months to realise that; and please don’t say “I told you so”, because I know some of you did tell me so, and those who didn’t probably thought about it… I don’t really want another man. I just want Tony back. That will probably fade, eventually, in time. Maybe. We’ll wait and see. Until then, I’m not ready for a relationship, and to imagine I am is more than wishful thinking… it’s potentially hurtful to others. I am a sucking black hole of need, and it’s useless and selfish to expect someone else to fill that. I can handle the loneliness. I was lucky to have what I had, and I am lucky to have the two beautiful people I’ve got, the sparkles in a muddied tragic relationship.
It’s time to step back.
First do no harm.
Surely I’ve done enough already.