Internet Dating 105- What Not To Do.

by Lori Dwyer on November 4, 2011 · 48 comments

Remember the guy who thought my name was Douche?

Well, for him and those like him… here is Lori’s List of Tips For Not Actively Being a Dick on Dating Sites. For Men.

Don’t tell me you’ve ‘just had dinner and feel like such a fat sh*t’. Believe it or not, that’s a turn off.

Don’t tell me you hate kids. Because I..ummm… kind of have two of them. And we’re a package deal. You may as well tell me you hate my nose or my bum or something.

Try not to mention nudity or boobs in the first ten minutes. I’m not sure why, but this seems to be a very difficult one for blokes to get. It’s not rocket science. Please don’t discuss my boobies before you actually see them.

Don’t waste my time. I spend enough time chatting to people online… I don’t want to swap 100 emails before we swap numbers. I’m too old for that crap.

And on that note, actually asking me out would be good. How about a direct “Want to go out for dinner?” rather than “So, what are you up to this weekend? Wanna hang out?”

Treat me like a lady. Further to the last point, I’m a chick. And I may be a geek, but I’m kind of old fashioned. I don’t make the plans. You do.

Those plans should never include inviting yourself to my house. Seriously. You may have had the best of intentions, but think about it. I don’t know you. I have small children. I am not giving you my address.

Learn to spell. And use basic grammar. Or at least try. Or find someone else to bother. It’s not you, it’s me.

You do not look like a car, a dog, or a boat. So please don’t include those things in the ‘Images’ section. Like wise for photos of you with your ex (the one who looks like a stripper), you smoking a bong, you in a wig, you in drag, or a photo that may be of you but I can’t tell because there are 15 other blokes in it.

Don’t drunk dial. This should be obvious. It’s not. I don’t want to spend half an hour in the phone to a pissed person. If I wanted that, I could call her Woogness on a Saturday.

Practice the art of conversation. The way it’s supposed to work is… I ask you a question. You answer, and ask me one back. And so it goes. This makes a conversation. Me asking you a question, you answering, me asking you another question… that’s an interview.

Get a job, move out of home, buy a car. You are thirty five. Seriously.

Be honest. But only once you’ve completed the point just above this one.

Watch that auto correct. My profile clearly states ‘widow’. I’ve lost count of the amount of messages I’ve got that read like this…

‘How is your mourning going?’ is even better. I’m always tempted to reply “Well, thank you, but he’s not yet been dead a year, so I’m working on it.”

I think that shows I have a sense of humor. Or something.


Can you tell it’s not going well…? That dumb, happy optimism keeps me hanging in there.

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{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }

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Dating Made Simple October 22, 2013 at 12:29 am

Funny! but pretty much how everything works out on an online dating community. Love the part about the pictures and the grammar/spelling. Some people really find it hard to try their best to at least sound (or read) like somebody who’s been to at least 6th grade.

Although I really think you can look past the boobies part if it is indeed something to be discussed. I mean, doesn’t mean he pointed it out automatically makes him a douche.


Dave January 10, 2013 at 4:55 am

What a loser you should be to waste your time on online dating


Geoff Granfield June 20, 2012 at 3:09 am

If I may add, before jumping on the bandwagon of online dating, make sure first that the site you use is legit. You can do that by checking the testimonials from those who have used it. That's what I did when I met my mate in I didn't use their site's testimonials from users but a third party forum instead.


Free Webcam Dating May 29, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I'm not a gammar nazi, but endless mistakes make me endlessly angry… guys, you don't want to look like pupils, or do you?


Dating Websites Ireland May 27, 2012 at 4:44 am

You got the sense of humour. And dating experience. Thanks for sorting things out, you made my day:) By the way they think discussing boobies is what you supposed to like because it's a compliment! (and what do you think it was?)


Brad February 28, 2012 at 12:05 am

If I ever decide to Internet date, I shall return & review. However, I don't think I'd have the drunk call, hang out etc issues. Nor am I a boobie n butt talker…unless I know you really, really well.
Actually, the whole 'dating' thing is scary. Two long term relationships in 24 years. Fifteen years & then eight not long enough years.
I think I would be hopeless at the dating thing Lori. :)


Heather November 9, 2011 at 6:06 am

Good luck with the online dating. That is where I met my husband. We emailed and texted for about 3 weeks before he asked me out. It actually worked really well for us because by the time I met him we already felt like we knew eachother a bit. Hope you find your prince charming.


Cassondra November 5, 2011 at 4:03 am

I'm sorry it's not going well, but I'm really enjoying reading about it. Have you thought about putting this all together in a book. Kind of a humorous guide to what not to do in online dating. I'm sure there would be a section for girls as well as guys. Maybe you can find a guy going through this as well and see if he'll tell you all the strange things he's encountered in trying to date women online. Maybe even find an author who you click with who could co-write the what women should do section.

Well now I'm getting carried away. Anyway, Good luck!


Anonymous November 5, 2011 at 4:01 am

Hilarious! I was gonna suggest you write a book as well. Because these are legitimate requests, and many old fashioned dating rules have just been tossed. Especially with all this crazy technology we have. Good luck!! Lisa


Anonymous November 4, 2011 at 9:43 pm

I don't want to spend half an hour "IN" the phone to a pissed person either! Entertaining post. Angela.


Sarah Mac November 4, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Ahh, sometimes a comment thread is worthy of a post of it's own :)

If you do decide to write that book I'm happy to share some material …


Melissa November 4, 2011 at 9:16 pm

I think this should be made into pamphlets and handed out as a public service announcement :)


marketingtomilk November 4, 2011 at 8:28 pm

of all the people who are now happily paired with someone they met through internet dating, they all had to wade through an awful lot of crap to find one decent one.



E. November 4, 2011 at 7:18 pm

There are actually people put there saying: so do you wanna hang out? Are they still in high school?

If you and Wanderlust write a book on Internet Dating I'm sure there would be many buyers.


Aunty Penny November 4, 2011 at 2:22 pm

I agree, obviously, with all you've said – resonates with me!

I've found that it definitely works out better when the man approaches the woman, and plans the first date. Sounds silly and old-fashioned, but blokes don't seem to respond well to too much attention, scares them off. Seem to want to do the chasing. So, now, I let 'em, even though my feminist mindset makes me want to be completely equal. Whatever – ya gotta do what works, eh?

Also, my 2c worth is that the paid dating sites tend to have less time-wasters. The person that initiates contact has to pay, so that tends to weed out a lot of losers and people with the 'show us your tits' mentality. So far I've gone on a couple of dates (over the past year) and I haven't paid anything.


Sarah November 4, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Hi Lori, I've been reading your blog for a while and I think you rock! I'm totally in awe of you.

Now, another positive internet dating story – after a lot of bad dates and two short but not so awful relationship, on my third (third! Agh) attempt at internet dating I met the man I've been happily married to for 6 months now. It does work sometimes!



Wanderlust November 4, 2011 at 1:58 pm

@Lori – I think we should co-author an e-book on internet dating. Seriously. I could fill six chapters alone with stories from all the woman my douche was courting at the same time.

@Paul – are you drunk commenting by chance? Because nothing you're saying makes any sense.


Amy xxoo November 4, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I'm sorry but the whole " Woogness " line had me cacking.
Oh, and also? Some people apparently dont understand " tongue in cheek " posts ( which they probably dont read Mrs Woog and have no idea what the aforementioned line means )…

And lastly – i'm getting married TOMORROW to a guy i met on Lavalife. There are good guys out there, and internet dating does have its success stories. Just saying…


deardarl November 4, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Too funny. I've been a widow longer than you, but am not where you are yet (does that even make sense?) …. but when I am ready to find someone new, I will be using this as a guideline – HILARIOUS!

…and actually, I had the "what are you doing on the weekend – want to hang out" comment made by someone at work last week. I replied with "looking after my children and visiting my husband's grave". Conversation killer!


Salamander November 4, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Well said, Miss Douche!! And at the risk of hijacking your comments one more time (but I think you'll understand why):
Paul – Yes I'm calling you a douche, with all due respect. Have you ever heard of irony??


Lori @ RRSAHM November 4, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Paul, have you not had your coffee this morning? Please, feel free to comment on my posts, but leave my commenters alone, thank you. I don't like people feeling they are being attacked, especially in response to such a light hearted post. You are more than entitled to your opinion, but good manners dictates not attacking every comment made. This is not about you. It's about me, obviously- it's my blog.

Secondly, when I mention being "a lady", I simply meant… I expect men to plan first dates, and probably second. Why? Because I like it like that.

Thirdly, I'm a multi-faceted person. Allow me to call myself a lady again, whilst giving you the middle finger.



one last word paul in melbourne November 4, 2011 at 1:33 pm

@salamander :
And, you're 'with due respect' calling me a 'douche' ?


over expressing paul in melbourne November 4, 2011 at 1:21 pm

@Salamander :
I do try to be as concise as possible.

I also felt it had to be said. And a different view put forward, for some balance here.

Sorry it seems alot and / or made you uncomfortable or didn't like it or whatever.


Salamander November 4, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Paul – with all due respect – you're starting to sound like a douche. You've had your five cents worth…back away from the comment box, ok?


paul in humid / sunny melbourne November 4, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Ok, them's fightin' words !! ( @Mum's the word – 'men are dumbarses' etc ).

You mean 'some' men I hope. Which I would agree with.

Personally, I think using affirmations and visualisation, is a more reliable, and efficient way of doing things. less dross, and 'left-off-the-list' errors, to deal with.

And don't make a 'wish list' for qualities you want – that only sets you up for what you leave off. Ask for 'the most appropriate and best person to come to you next ' instead , because your subconconcious knows you a helluva lot better than you do ( ie your conscious mind ).

Based on my own experience.


Mum's the word November 4, 2011 at 12:54 pm

this is a fantastic post! Men are just dumb arses when it comes to dating and internet dating men are even more clueless..

good on you for having a go x


Anonymous November 4, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Cash in on this sage advise if you can Lori! I think it also comes down to basic manners for the men too, a gentleman would not dare to mention your boobs or ass unless he'd had a good hold of them at least once with your permission ;-)


paul in overcast melbourne November 4, 2011 at 12:32 pm

@belinda ( above post ) : I can't see how you can expect anyone, even yourself, to be able to meet someone and begin to relate as if it were a going thing ie a relationship of consequence, so to speak.

Surely, you have to start from a position of 'well let's just see how it goes' ? To me it seems a perfectly sensible attitude and approach to say, yes, you're looking for a relationship, but hey, let's just just take it casually at first and see if anything develops ?

You simply cannot 'force' a genuine relationship or connection with someone from anywhere in a relationship, let alone before you've even gotten to know someone.

I'm also mentioning this because there are a lot of lovely lady folk in this blog who pay out on blokes ( and I DO understand and agree often, don't get me wrong on that ) but I have to tell you, from my experience, as an intelligent, sensitive, creative kind of fella ( my opinion, I realise ), you girls ain't so perfect either you know.

So, in an effort to blow some of your own smoke back at you – so there !! A gentle gender focused reminder to all….


Salamander November 4, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I dunno, Dou…ahem, I mean Lori – would it make you feel better if I told you I haven't laughed that hard in months?? Douche. Ha! Seriously, babe, internet dating sounds a bit like looking for love whilst backpacking. In America alone, I got more inappropriate one-liners than I thought possible. The most inoffensive asked me if I would go on a date to "a really lovely restaurant" that I probably hadn't heard of (Aussies being backwards and all…) – McDonalds. Yep. Classy. At least you can put GSOH on your profile and know it's true!!!! xxxxxxxxx


Kristen November 4, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I agree… e-book.
So here is a plan.
Move to the states. Start over in our cool little stitch of the world.
I will find you a great guy.


Happy dating. If nothing else… it makes for great blogging.



honest paul in overcast melbourne November 4, 2011 at 12:10 pm

hi – when you put yourself in the public domain, you open yourself up to all kinds. That's the risk and the reality, unfortuanately.

I do find it interesting what 'a lady' is to you though. It IS nice to be able to do something special for someone else, but I personally would want someone who also did the same thing in return. And more equally involved, in every way, overall.

I tend to think a more 'intelligent and sensitive' type you're complaining about not attracting, is like that.

So keep in mind you may be limiting your playing field somewhat with that underlying belief there. Purely statistical.

And you're not gonna like the next bit, nor will some readers I guess, but I AM telling you as a considered, sincere & honest expression of what I feel and see, and you ARE a damn good person, and woman, but as far as judging guys and demanding that you be treated 'like a lady' – how do you reconcile that against all the swearing, name calling and quick tempered, abusive behaviour that you've described of yourself in many posts from way back ? Is this behaving 'like the lady' you wanted to be treated as ?

All I'm saying is – would you say this is being consistent in your thinking ?


Miss Pink November 4, 2011 at 11:30 am

I think you need to put a link up to your dating files on your profile. Tell people only to contact you after reading these files.
Surely there has got to be a decent guy out there?


MummyK November 4, 2011 at 10:59 am

You can sell this ebook for $20. And let me know when you're ready to hear where you can find quality men :) I haz a place.


Dorothy Krajewski November 4, 2011 at 10:03 am

That's why I can't even think about dating, of any kind. Life's too short…

Good on you for trying and trying….


Sarah Mac November 4, 2011 at 8:53 am

Also avoid saying: sudece my boby if you like whot you see… or

Do you keep bees and scuba dive? If so, you are an enigma and possibly my ideal woman …

Neither of which were really winners for me :)

I feel your pain …


Dotty November 4, 2011 at 8:49 am

Douche. Haha. Still laughing at that one.


Vicky November 4, 2011 at 8:36 am

lots and lots of toads hunny…

keep kissing. There's a frog out there that will turn into a prince.

and if that doesn't happen, you will have worked out what you want and don't want, have gotten your mojo back, and like magic, it will happen when your least expecting it.


Zoey @ Good Googs November 4, 2011 at 8:34 am

That's an ebook right there.


Mrs Woog November 4, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Ok, just wanted to jump in and say call me if you want to hear pissed slurs on Saturdays for sure, but only after 5pm. Now I am to read these juicy comments x


Eccles November 4, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Hey Lori. This one's a hoot!!! Gotta love how everyone's using your blog to 'meet-up'. Maybe that could be your next career move… Internet Dating Organiser?!
The next time the little girl has a meltdown, close your eyes & take her for a swim in the ocean. Remember, we talked about that some time ago?? It may help. Take care honey, you're doing good!! :)


Catherine Dabels November 4, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Well, you may think it isn't going well but I am taking notes. Just in case.


Belinda November 4, 2011 at 11:44 am

Can I just say.. I love you. I love you for posting this, because it's what I think every single farking time I use these stupid sites. I wish i could link this on my dating profile.

I'd also add "I've clearly stated I want a relationship, and that's what your profile says. So when we start chatting and you say 'I just want something casual and maybe it will become something else'. Bum bow. You lose. If you don't want a relationship, DON'T PUT ON YOUR PROFILE THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR ONE!.



jacqui November 4, 2011 at 8:54 am

I'm beginning to think that the only good thing about online dating is getting really good blog material!


Dee November 4, 2011 at 8:52 am

Sweetie, keep at it! I was the same…internet dating for absolutely AGES, meeting and talking and emailing idiots. Then I met the guy I'm now with, and have been with him happily for over 6 months now. There are some good ones, you just need to meet the shit heads so you know when you have FINALLY meet a keeper!


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