Internet dating 103 – Sex.

by Lori Dwyer on October 12, 2011 · 53 comments

I’m finding there are three types of men on most internet dating sites… especially the free ones.

There’s the decent blokes.

Then there are dickheads who are harmless and inoffensive, but you wouldn’t date if they promised the earth, the moon and all the chocolate on it.

And then there’s the other types of dickheads. The offensive ones who really deserve some kind of restraining order at the very least, and most probably a hard kick in the nuts.

Having dabbled in Internet dating back in the day, before kids and husband (remember Jay from Masterchef, anyone?), I was kind of expecting the offensive dickheads. I was thinking that maybe, being a bit older and clearly stating “Looking for something long term” and “Widowed” on my profile would deter most of them.

No way of knowing, really, if that worked to reduce their occurrence or not… I still get dickhead mail, on a semi regular basis.

Some bona fide messages I’ve got- unprompted, this being the first contact I’ve had with them…

Wnt 2 cum 2 Canbrra 4 a 3sum?

Hi sexy… you’d look good on my dick.

Hi r u up fr a shag tnite? Lks like I live nr u.

Seriously? Seriously? The mind just… boggles.

Who are these men who send messages like that? What on earth are they like, in real life, without a keyboard seperating them and the women they are talking to?

Would any of them even have the balls to say that a women, to her face? I doubt it?

I’m doubting that there a not a lot of women out there who reply back with something like “Sure, love to, call me.” But maybe that’s just me being naive… are there women like that out there? Doesn’t that just put you in all kinds of danger? I can understand the basis of it, I suppose, the anonymous sex and the thrill of it…. but there have to be better ways of doing it than that.

It’s all so freaking confusing. As I said.. the mind boggles. It’s difficult not to get pissed off with messages that suggest sex and are full of bad spelling and bad grammar.

I’ve taken to copying and pasting a message in reply that says something like….

“In my experience, men who act like tossers have extremely small penises. Get fucked.”

Which is hopefully the online equivalent of kicking ill-mannered men in the balls, and makes me feel like an absolute bitch.

Most satisfying.


I swear this is an actual, bona fide exchange I suffered through.

Him: hi…i am after fun …if you interested ,,,drop me line

Me: Dude. Did even read my profile? I’m a widow. With two kids. Looking for something long term.

Him: hi Douche
well….it nice to hear from you …and i did read your profile ….
bout i thought i have to ask any way ..

i am really interested ….if you change your mind .let me know


Do we see the problem here? Apart from atrocious spelling and general idiocy…. he thought my name was Douche.

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