I’m in a state of limbo that is both irriatiting and disconcerting.
Moved on, as much as I can. Feeling unable and unwilling to go any further, for now.
Unable to make plans for our future, while financially things are still very much a mess of untied ends, waiting for bureaucracy to catch up with the tangles.
Still very much in love with a dead man. And unable to properly love anyone else.
Living, surviving, existing, day to day. Forcing myself to extend gratitude to the shattered pieces of my soul, to appreciate the little things.
I have things that make me happy, activities I enjoy. But happiness is no longer a general state of being for me.
I think, right now, I’d call it numb.
Ask me what would make me happy right now… I couldn’t tell you. Nothing realistic comes to mind.
And I’m watching, from a distance, a tectonic shift in my personality. My nuances, superficial likes and dislikes.. they all feel the same, when i poke them, their texture has the same give and suppleness they always did.
It’s the more fundamental concerns that are realigning.
Grieving, mourning… they are, by their nature, solitary activities.
A cocoon can be a suffocating, isolating, peaceful place to rest. Being quiet and turning in on myself… neccessary. Frustrating. But real.