Ugly.

by Lori Dwyer on January 28, 2011 · 302 comments

Heya,

A few things, before we start.

Firstly, thank you. Any other words escapes me. I can’t eloquently express the gratitude I’m feeling toward my fellow blogger and Interwebbers at the moment. Every message, every email, every comment… they warm my heart. You guys are just… awesome.

Second, a few people have emailed me regarding advertising on my blog. I’ll get back to you soon as possible, promise.

And thirdly, this post is called ‘Ugly’ for a reason. This is real. This is serious. This is suicide. If you, like me, have that wretched thing called clinical trauma, this might be triggering.

But, if you ever considered hanging yourself, read this. Please.

To understand this story, from my perspective, there are some things you should know. About Tony. About our life.

He was a good bloke. That, I think, is the most important thing. Those of you who have been reading since the Before know that. A big, tattooed, Aussie bloke with a cheeky sense of humour, an amazing devotion to his family, direct and extended; and very much a man’s man.

He was awesome. I adored him. So please know, as you read this, that the man I’m talking about here,in the lead up to his death, was not the man I married.

Not himself, not at all.

I guess you also should know that there is, of course, a History here. And it’s not my history, it’s Tony’s, so I won’t tell you a lot of it. Suffice to say, I think, that Tony had demons that haunted him from a very young age. More recently, there were car troubles, money troubles, work stresses. Things he shared with no one. Some things that I’m only just finding out about now.

And Tony always kept everything to himself. He was the oldest, and only, male in his family, and he felt it was his job was to take care of everyone.

Tony didn’t believe in psychological help, or medication, especially for himself. But he never had a problem with me taking my meds. And he would never burden anyone with his problems, his stresses (“I’ve got it all covered, darl”). Especially not his wife, who suffers depression and anxiety as it is.

Did I ever think he was suicidal? Never. I had heard him say, as had his mum, sister and mates, that suicide is a cowards option, a dog’s way to go. And if you were to do it, make it look like an accident, where someone you know won’t find you.

Huh.

The week between New Years and the 6th of January, the day Tony hung himself, was awful. I don’t think there is too much detail needed. We argued, as couples do. But horribly. Round in circles. Without end. Continuously. My rock, the alkaline to my acid….. our roles had reversed. Where normally it was me, screaming at him to STAY AND TALK TO ME as he walked away, this time, it was me, pleading with him to leave. And him, coming at me, again, again, again. Bitter, spiteful words, intended to hurt me and make me snap and scream.

For some God unknown reason, I did not. And one of those days there, he hit me. My Man, who would never hurt a fly, had me in a headlock, one hand pushing my nose back into my skull, threatening to snap my neck. And I was terrified.

This was not the man I married.

The three days before this happened, things were worse. My stomach sunk as he walked though our back gate, diaphragm knotted in anxiety.

Twice, during those the three days Before, Tony threatened to hang himself. Once, he even told me where he would do it. And it was exactly where he did do it.

And I kick myself for that now. Three quarters of a degree in social work, I should know that when people have specific plans for suicide, things are bad.

Why did I ignore that?

My psychiatrist, an angel in a lanyard, tells me that she would have said, had I turned to her, that Tony was making idle threats. And maybe,in a way, he was.

We had plans. Australia Day, a wedding next month, a holiday in March. Suicidal people don’t make plans like that.

Do they?

The day before This Happened was Tony’s birthday. He turned 34. It was nice, quiet. Presents and ice cream cake with our kids. And I took photos, even though I was cranky at him.

I’m so glad I did.

The next day, The Last Day, was just a normal day for me. I was online, I think, on Twitter, only an hour before this happened.

Tony came home from work. Half past two, usual time, given that he started so early in the morning.

And he came to me. Hugged me. Kissed me. Told me he loved me.

If I’d known that would be that last time I hear it, would I have been more receptive? Of course. That doesn’t even require a question mark.

But I wasn’t receptive. I didn’t yell. but I was still angry, and I told him so.

And from there, all hell broke loose.

I remember, vaguely, in that next half hour, fragments of near-rational conversation. Where he told me he didn’t love me, then that he did, that he’d almost lost his job for me, given up everything for me.

But mostly I remember the fury of it. The look on his face. Things being thrown at me. Being spat at. Him, a finger over one nostril spitting snot onto me.

Like I was nothing. Less than nothing. Like he couldn’t think of anyone he hated more.

Threatening, to kill me, to take my kids, take the house, leave me on the street.

And then.

“I’m going to do something that shows everyone what a terrible person you are”.

And me, confused, scared, afraid. But it never even touched my mind that he was talking about this.

Into our back shed. Back again, with an ugly, bright piece of nylon orange rope.

A noose, already knotted in the end of it. When did he do that, how long has that been there for?

Me, standing in my back doorway, him in our backyard. Me, still thinking he’s bluffing, him, getting angrier and angrier at my lack of anger, lack of passion, why aren’t I screaming at him like I usually do?

“I’m going to fucking do it. I’m going to hang myself.”

“No, Tony, don’t be a dick, you can’t be fucking serious, your daughter is standing right here…”

A litany of words as I watch, so quickly, as he strings up over the beam of our outdoor shelter, and pulls over a chair

“TONY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”

He kicks himself of the chair, lands feet on the ground. Slipped, or something. Not even force. Not violent enough.

All this, is the space of milliseconds.

He looks at me again, those beautiful brown eyes, the color of melted chocolate, so full of rage and hate for me.

Up onto the chair again, and jumps, with all his force.

Fuck. I grab my daughter, my baby. Stop fucking around, Tony, you’ve scared the shit out of me, I’m a fuckwit, I get it.

Shake him, with the hand not holding my little one. Slap him, hard as I can. His sunglasses fall off, smash on the ground. And, stupidly, that’s when I realise- he’s not mucking around. His eyes are bulged, rolled back in his head. He’s unconscious already, and he’s not fucking around. His feet are touching the fucking ground, but he’s unconscious and this is real.

And my life shattered.

I ran, screaming, hysterical, into my back lane, “Help me, help me, he’s hung himself.” My neighbors run, it seems like they’re there before I call them. One of them runs into my backyard, runs out again, shaking his head, saying “Call an ambulance” over my shoulder.

“Cut him down! Cut him down!”

Why didn’t I tell them, that he’d only just done it, then, in front of me, that I’d not found him like that? Would it have made any difference? Possibly. Possibly not. Cutting down a 110 kg man who is effectively already dead takes time.

And that’s the crut
ch of this post. There is more, obviously- 100 hours in the hell that is an Intensive Care Department, and the immediate aftermath of a street full of sirens and two small children oblivious to the fact that their world has just collapsed beneath them- but that’s another post. For another time.

Here’s the thing- have you ever wondered why hanging is considered such a violent method of suicide? I always did. Even though I studied mental health.

Because it’s just so fucking quick.

It’s nothing like on the movies. Most things aren’t, I suppose, but this especially. If you asphyxiate slowly through hanging, it will be painful and long and you’ll be conscious for a lot of it. And you won’t be able to lift your own body weight to relive the tension in the rope.

That isn’t what happened with Tony.

What happened with Tony is common in hanging. He managed to compress a nerve-the Vagal nerve,I believe, but I could be wrong. This nerve runs down both sides of your neck.

Compression of this nerve instantly renders you unconscious. The rope around your neck cuts off any remaining oxygen to your brain. Brain damage sets in after 30 second, with this type of injury. After 4 minutes, it’s permanent and irreparable.

So, God forbid, you live, you will be a vegetable.

There are no second chances, with hanging. There is no time, no leeway for someone to save you. I really don’t think Tony knew that. To hang himself in front of his wife and child, in broad daylight, with a whole neighborhood of people home who would come to our aid….. I think he thought he would have time.

He was wrong. Hanging is fast, and it’s pretty damn permanent.

I can only imagine how much he’s kicking himself now.

Dickhead.

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{ 302 comments… read them below or add one }

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Her February 20, 2014 at 12:55 pm

I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m suicidal. Sadly, this didn’t change my opinion of killing myself. But please, continue what you’re doing, it will change thousands of lives.

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Anonymous October 31, 2013 at 10:22 pm

I’m sorry for your loss. Stay strong.

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Joanna October 31, 2013 at 2:44 am

I’ve always been someone who likes to read other peoples life experiences but it wasn’t until just last Sunday that I found out how traumatizing witnessing someone trying to end their life is. My mom tried to last Sunday but I got home in time. She was already falling unconscious and slurring her words from what the er called a sever overdose (almost five bottles worth) I ended up calling 912 an just yelling for her to hold on whole the ambulance was on its way. She would have died if I got home any later. It was the driest experience I’ve ever had.

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Lori October 31, 2013 at 9:22 pm

Oh Joanna- I’m glad your mum’s okay. Thank you for reading xx
Lori recently posted…Back To Black.My Profile

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Sarah@Slapdash Mama May 14, 2013 at 12:49 pm

Lori I had never read this. I had no idea. I cannot imagine the pain you have been through. I know I am late to read this but still I am so so affected by it.

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Lori Dwyer May 15, 2013 at 4:40 pm

Thanks for reading, Sarah xx

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Insane Jane August 23, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Hi Lori,
I just found your blog and just read this post. It's amazing. And I am glad for you that you were able to express it. I hope you're travelling ok (or better at least) now that a lot of time has gone by since you're husband passed, but I know that the pain will still be there. I cannot imagine the heartbreak and pain you've gone through and I wish you and your children well. xx

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Anonymous June 28, 2012 at 10:06 am

Reading your blog in tears, came here bay chance searching advice for full time mums. You are stronger than most people I know, including myself, don't know what I would have done in your situation. Fuerza y amor para ti!

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Hannah Millerick January 20, 2012 at 11:33 am

Thats pretty confronting shit. Well done for sharing. xx

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Anonymous January 4, 2012 at 2:37 am

I don't know how I ended up here, possibly a link from another blog? I was not searching for this. I vomited after I read this but not for the reason you may think. This blog entry just saved my life. I am a sahm of 4. I suffer from bipolar. I have been wanting to hang myself for months. I have tied the rope. I have tested areas by tying it and holding on to make sure it can hold my weight. Not today, not tomorrow, maybe not even this year but I've always known this is what I would do. My psychotic episodes come 2-3 times a year. The things you described, the out of character behaviors of Tony, that is me. I've read and I've felt your pain so intensely that I have literally thrown up. I can't. I won't. Please, please God don't let me be out of line in saying this but from my point of view, having never once thought of the aftermath, having never imagined what happens to those left behind, especially the spouse, I would have eventually ended my life in this fashion, in front of my husband. I keep wanting to type "I'm sorry" but those words mean nothing. If I have overstepped a line, delete this, please. I don't know why I'm posting this. There is no sense in the pain your have endured. I can tell you why you wrote during this time. Maybe you didn't know it at the time but I know I am not the first one here…. This, your blog, your writing about your experience, your experience itself… It saved my life. I feel so damn selfish saying that but maybe, there's a small part of me who is hoping that you knowing that will help in some way. I don't know. There may be 1 or even 50 other people who have read this and stopped their plans. This has been my plan for so long that I have not once through about growing old. It's not my plan. I see the pain left behind. I can't. I won't. Thank you…

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Livi October 25, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Oh hun, I don't know what to say. I've just found your blog and am in awe of your bravery and candidness about something so painful. The world needs more people as open as you.

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Anonymous September 7, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Lori,
I am speechless.
I am horrified that you had to go through this.
My mother attempted suicide when I was 5. I do not remember her at all. I must have blocked her out.
Thankyou for sharing your horrifying experience and Im so glad you have written it down – not only for yourself but for your children. Children are so inquisitive and will want and need to know details and this is an amazing way for them (altho upsetting – but I wish I knew more..)
Much love and you will be in my thoughts for a very long time xx

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CauseMummySaidSo August 12, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I just came upon your Blog today and I had no idea until I read your post on PMS and you mentioned your husband in the past tense "loved him". Now I am reading about what happened, I am so sorry, I am so sorry that Tony did this in front of you and in front of your daughter and left you all behind. I have tears rolling down my face for you, and I don't know what to say. I am thinking of you though….

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GirlSpeak June 30, 2011 at 6:51 am

I have poured over each and every one of your painstakenly horrific blogs to see the beauty of honesty shining through each of them. I hope strength can be felt through the Internet as I send it your way, and even more so, I gain it from you. You are such an amazing soul, and I won't even try to say I can't imagine what you are going through. But I will say that you are living each moment in the most admirable way – regardless of what emotion/thought is gripping you. Not many people could express themselves in such a genuine way and the way in which you express how you feel is so helpful to anyone whos ever experienced any level of grief (all of us) and especially those dealing with the unimaginable. Your children are the luckiest in the world to be raised by a woman who lives authentically in every moment. Your beauty will carry you through -how much of an impact you have made on what life REALLY means. I am sorry for this tragedy and wish a word could erase pain. I am also thankful people like you exist to show what living means. Thank you. May your journey continue with more and more light and more and more strength in the dark. Xxooxx

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Kanna June 28, 2011 at 4:40 pm

I know this is 5 months after this post, but I just found your blog through Jenny (I just found her today too, well, yesterday.) And I just hope that you read this.

I read this and…..I broke. Then I started at the beginning and read it all. And I can't thank you enough for being strong enough to write this.

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for years. Alone. But after reading this, I realized that I need help. I'm not ready to seek it yet. I'm not ready to own up to the fact that I'm broken. I'm not ready to try to convince my parents that anxiety issues are true mental illnesses. And it will take time.

I've tried reaching out to close friends, but after being ignored I gave up. Thank you for giving me the courage to try again. Thank you for showing me–through your post and your commenters–that I am not alone.

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sanabituranima April 11, 2011 at 5:43 am

*hugs* I am so sorry. I know these words mean almost nothing, but I feel like I ought to say it.

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Anonymous February 17, 2011 at 8:06 pm

My heart is breaking reading this. You are an incredible person for sharing your life with us – and you are no doubt saving lives. Thoughts and love,

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City Girl Blogs February 6, 2011 at 3:55 pm

I just came across your blog via The Bloggess, and I have tears in my eyes as I read your posts. I'm so, so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers go to you and your family.

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susie @newdaynewlesson February 6, 2011 at 5:04 am

I think that your strength and openness in your time of pain will make a difference to many other people in the future. thank you for sharing and sending lots of hugs.

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Mamapumpkin February 5, 2011 at 6:21 am

Sending you a ship load of love from over the seas……and remember, a hand is here for you if you ever need it.

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Steph(anie) February 4, 2011 at 10:40 am

Thank you for being so honest.

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Anonymous February 3, 2011 at 9:22 pm

I suffer from depression Lori, and have had some very dark days where I've made plans. And I can be impulsive and stupid and – well, just thank you for writing this. Thank you. I won't ever forget it.

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Sarah February 2, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Oh, Lori. I'm shaking, shocked and sick after reading that. I'm so glad you're still there – 'talking' to us. We're listening. We're here.

Give your babies a cuddle, breathe in their goodness. My biggest hope for you all is that your love for each other will help you heal. Their innocence + your strength. A beautiful combination.

Thinking about you every day.

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Mummy's Little Monkey February 2, 2011 at 11:27 am

It's a sad truth that we take our pain out on the people closest to us – deliberately picking fights and saying things we don't mean so we have an excuse to 'lose it' and relieve some of the anger, sadness, guilt and rage bubbling away inside. I can't even begin to imagine what you went through, but hope you know, or will one day realise, that it wasn't your fault. If your two beautiful children couldn't keep him in this world, then it seems to me that he was already irretrievably lost to the disease of depression. The man who said those things to you wasn't your husband anymore. I hope in time you'll be able to remember the 'real' Tony again – before the depression took him from you xxx

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lifeofadoctorswife February 2, 2011 at 9:39 am

I am so so sorry for your loss. And I have tremendous respect and admiration for you for posting this. As so many others have said, hopefully it will prevent other tragedies from happening.

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Rita February 2, 2011 at 8:00 am

Thank you for being so honest. I have no doubt you helped someone with this! You are in my thoughts.

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Super Sarah February 1, 2011 at 2:15 pm

What you are doing is one of the bravest things I have ever known, talking about "the ugly" sharing your pain and admonishing anyone who is thinking about suicide to think again. Wow woman, seriously, you are changing people's lives here. Wishing you strength and thank you for your honesty.

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Sophie January 31, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Lori I am so sorry.

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Anonymous January 31, 2011 at 11:00 am

Thank you for writing this Lori, I'm deeply moved. Although we don't know each other, know that what you've written and been through has touched so many, and will make a difference. I wish you and your little ones all the best.

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DaniV January 31, 2011 at 7:57 am

Fuck. Ugly as fuck. That is really shit Lori. I can relate slightly. When my Dad killed himself, he wrote a long letter to my brother telling him that it was my fault and that I was a bitch and for me not to mourn him when he died, because I would just be a hypocrite. Dad also said that suicide was a cowards way and that he would never do it. Ha!

Hugs to you Lori, you know that was not your Tony x

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jenna January 31, 2011 at 3:37 pm

thank you xo <3

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allison tait January 30, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Ah Lori, again there's nothing I can say here. I'm reading, I want you to know that. But I cannot think of the words.

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Janine January 30, 2011 at 9:03 pm

dickhead…exactly…so so so so sorry for your pain x

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Rachel January 30, 2011 at 5:46 pm

oh god…i feel sick to my stomach reading this. my close friend committed suicide in the apartment we shared together years ago now. he also hung himself and i was the one who found him….i remember vividly the red cord and the blue-ish face. it is something i will never forget and probably never totally recover from.
i feel so much empathy for you and your family right now.
xx

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Rufalina January 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

i thought I was heartbroken for you when I first heard of Tony being hospitalised… But now it breaks again and again for you and your kids… Hon. I am weeping for you, for what you are going through. You remain in my thoughts and prayers. xo Rufalina

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Brenna January 30, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Dear Lori,

I just found you through The Blogess. Your story is so touching. I'm so sorry about what happened. I'll be thinking about you.

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Anonymous January 30, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I wish I could properly convey how deeply I can empathize with you on a number of levels (and how sorry I am to admit that). I wish I could just give you hug, make you a pot of tea. Your strength is so evident in this post. Be incredibly kind to yourself right now. The numbness may never subside, but there will be light again.

Really, there will.

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Lisa B January 30, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Lori

Huge hugs coming your way, thank your for sharing your story.

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Bec January 30, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Love love love to you and your kids. This is just a nightmare of a post that will haunt me always. I am so sorry you have to live in it.
Courage to you, and never think it was your fault. He seemed sick, out of his mind and unfortunately awfully intent.

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Mel January 30, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Lori,
Nothing much I can say but it's gotta be a good thing that you've shared it. For you and for anyone else it may help.
x

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Reb January 30, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I am so sorry. So, so sorry.

I am sorry you lost your precious husband, twice. You lost the man he once was, and then you lost him altogether.

I'll be thinking of you and your tiny babies an awful lot in the hours, days and months to come. Reb

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Anonymous January 30, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Oh, sweetheart. ::hugs:: My heart breaks for you, but you are doing something wonderful by sharing- you're getting out what you need to say to get through, and I would lay money that you're saving lives in the process. I'm so, so sorry for what you had to see. That Tony wasn't your Tony. Your Tony lost a battle you didn't know he was fighting- he may not have even known he was fighting it, depression and psychosis are harsh monsters that can take you down before you even know what happened. I hope you can feel the warmth and love from each and every comment, and that maybe as a collective whole, we can be a tiny spot of light in what must feel pretty dark and bleak right now. You are so very loved- I hope you can feel that when you need it.

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distortiongirl January 30, 2011 at 11:59 am

I only heard of you 5 minutes ago and I am sobbing for you and your kids. What horrible trauma you have endured.

My husband died in October from cancer, and I have 3 young kids. So, I can relate all too well to bits of your story and your future. But, I can't imagine going through all of this with the added burden that your husband's choice placed on you. It's too awful.

Keep writing. Love and prayers coming your way.

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MrsH January 30, 2011 at 10:59 am

Oh my God, how absolutely awful! I am amazed that you had the strength to write about it. My heart goes out to you and your children. Just so very very awful is all I can think. Much love to you guys!

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Anonymous January 30, 2011 at 9:41 am

I don't know what to say, except THANK YOU for posting this. From the eyes of someone who witnessed a suicide. You've made me realise that sure committing suicide is the easy way out, you get to leave the world, BUT, you always forget to think about the people who might find you. The scars you might cause them, for finding you. You've made me re-think about the people who do mean a lot to me – my children. I can't imagine what it would be like if they did find me dead, as in taken my own life. Because if I did ever do it, it would be at home and that would just be so horrendous for them. Thank you Lori. I now understand the hideousness of suicide and you made me re-think my situation. Thank you for saving my life.

Plus, I don't think your man meant to cause you grief. He really did love you and I think he was just troubled by so many things. xx

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Kats Eye On Life January 30, 2011 at 6:09 am

Dear Lori -
I am reading here for the first time after being referred from The Bloggess. I didn't read all of the 254 comments before this, though I read enough and know that I'm not unique enough to write something no one else has said. But like so many others, I am unable to read a post like this and say nothing. And I'm so profoundly grateful to live alongside other people who feel that way. You are unbelievably brave. Like you, I studied social work so I "know" this and that. But having academic knowledge and living through what you've endured are two completely different things. This post will save lives and likely already has. I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain you feel and I wish you peace.

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JallieDaddy January 30, 2011 at 4:14 am

Wow. How incredibly awful. Those Before rows are very familiar. And I've often felt depressed & angry as s result. Thanks for the warning.

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fifi_labelle1 January 29, 2011 at 11:00 pm

I hope that you will gain some strength out of this to help others, thank you for always being so honest.

I'm angry at him though for putting you through this, and making you doubt yourself – I hope that you know that you are a good person, and the amount of support you have is a reflection of this….xxxxx

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thepixiechick January 29, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Hi – me again.
I was talking about this post with my hubby and he said "I read it and do you know what the overwhelming emotion was? I was proud. I was so proud of her" He was going to post a comment but never found the words. But I wanted to say this to you – because that is how I feel too, although I chose different words at the time. So proud of your courage, your strength, your pure, gutwrenching honesty. You amaze me.
Love always xoxo

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Chantelle {fat mum slim} January 29, 2011 at 9:18 pm

You are in my thoughts daily… and I don't really know what to say today. I think I was to say Thank You. Thank you for opening up your heart and sharing.

xx

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Katherine Jenkins January 29, 2011 at 6:24 pm

LOVE to you….lots and lots of it. You are in the thoughts of so many and this WILL carry you through. Keep reaching out, keep seeking the help of others. You don't need to walk alone through this.

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Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Reading this gave me the courage to talk to someone I only know vaguely.Maybe she can save her life. My thoughts are with you.

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Kim H January 29, 2011 at 3:08 pm

I don't know what to say, Lori. I am speechless. You are an absolutely amazing, AMAZING person. AMAZING!!!!!
My husband suffers severe depression and our marriage has been a disaster for years, many, many years now. He has tried to commit suicide a number of times. He doesn't cope with life. It's so hard. It's such a selfish, selfish thing that Tony did. So selfish. It's hard for me to have compassion right now because it's raw with me every day when i think of my own husband's stuff and his refusal to get help or talk about things. It makes me feel resentful and I've cut off from him emotionally now. But I like him as a person and he's a good dad and he is a nice guy, very gentle and soft but just very, very mixed up. You are touching so many people, Lori. Helping so many people. Through you horrific grief and life changing experiences others are gaining a voice in their own lives.
My prayers are with you always and with your children. xxx

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juliecottle January 29, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Holy fuck, Lori, I missed this post. Don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said. Damn girl, you've been through hell.

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bigwords is... January 29, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Lori, Your brave, honest and raw account of that day has left me speechless. You are going to get through this – your strength shines through. My love, Bianca x

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THE Bird January 29, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Fuck!
…I know she is a baby, but please, look to your daughter, she will not remembr specifics, but the horror & the trauma will always be a nagging constant in the back of her mind… She will need reasurrance & security.. This will be something she will not quite remember, but never able to forget…

LOVE to you all!

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Suz January 29, 2011 at 11:58 am

Grace, courage, bravery, strength, love, hope. Lori, you are all of these things in spades and what a wonderful thing your kids have you with all of these qualities as they grow and face the world. Yesterday I went to the funeral of a 22 year old man who took his own life. I taught him at kinder & I can still picture his little 4 year old face. Utterly heartbreaking. I thought of you while I was there and of the lessons you teach us all by speaking out. Tony may have completely lost his way in his last days and hours, but you honour who he really was by telling this albeit ugly, story. Thankyou and much love. Xxx

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Tenille @ Help!Mum January 29, 2011 at 11:34 am

Fuck.

You're totally right. That is ugly, and it is fucked, and it wasn't him. It wasn't the man you married. I mean, I don't really know you, and I don't know Tony, but from what you've written, and from the vlog where he paddles his arse in the background, it wasn't him.

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JJ January 29, 2011 at 11:31 am

I can't really say anything, or do anything. I'm on the other side of the world in London and I can only wish I could do something for you. But I am one of the countless readers and commenters sending you love and support even though we are strangers. It may only be through binary but we've got your back.

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Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 11:27 am

Lori, I don't know what to write but I know I had to write something. Thank you for writing your blog. I can not imagine how and what you must be feeling. My thoughts, prayers and love are with you and your family. You are an extremely brave and strong lady.

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jadine January 29, 2011 at 10:53 am

Oh my. I found you in a circuitous manner, and don't have the slightest idea of what to say. You are brave and will be as strong as you must be. I have no idea how you will get through and beyond this, and I suspect others in similarly horrific circumstances will tell you they don't know either. Your story is so powerfully wrenching, it's like a punch (by a million fists) in the gut. You and your little ones are in my thoughts.

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Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 8:57 am

Lori,

I read this out loud to my husband last night & it is just as raw every time I read it, I can't begin to imagine what it feels like for you….we both sat there with tears running down our faces for Tony, you & your babies.

I have a male friend who is battling depression & has had thoughts of suicide, I thought long & hard about sharing this with him but have decided that I will, he needs to know the ramifications, the ugly…only the ugly…..

I know it has been said before but if through Tony's passing & your words any one person thinks before they act your job is done….

You are stronger than you know…

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Sydney Shop Girl January 29, 2011 at 8:53 am

Lori,

I am speechless.

I can't even begin to understand or feel what you are going through.

I am thinking of and praying for you and your family.

SSG xxx

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l-tek-4 January 29, 2011 at 8:17 am

Hi Lori,

I couldn't read this and not comment. My father committed suicide by hanging himself (except in his basement.) Like you are describing, there were times when he wasn't himself leading up to it. Weirdness, flashes of insanity, depression, talking about doing it, but me not thinking he would ever really would. I thought it was stress, I thought it would blow over, given time. Time, as it turns out, we didn't have.

I need to say this: it wasn't Tony. I know you know that, logically, but at the worst times, I don't want you to question yourself. This was NEVER about you, Lori. He didn't hate you, he didn't do it because of anything you did. The psychotic episode, these demons inside of him, the stress, this anger he had, it broke him. It broke the Tony you knew and loved and I'm so sorry that happened, but at that point, it wasn't even Tony. It wasn't Lori, his wife in front of him. It wasn't his daughter there. I have no idea what it was, but I know it was madness and there is not one word he said then that you should hold onto and blame yourself with, Lori. Not one. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. This is fucked up and surreal, and there is NOTHING that could have saved him once he took that second leap.

I wish there was. I wish he had been able to realize what was happening and stop himself. I wish Tony was here. I wish I could hug you and tell you over and over that you are a light bringing all these dark, horrible things to the surface and that you are saving lives.

I don't know how to help, but I'd like to. Maybe a Donate button on your Blog? I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting to ease at least one stress in your life right now. You are in my thoughts. x

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Megan January 29, 2011 at 8:08 am

I believe emmaincanada stated it best. You are so brave to share this, and your courage and openness may save someone else — a husband, a wife, a child, a friend. I'm so sorry that your husband did this thing, and I admire that you have the presence, even during this hell, to differentiate between the Tony you loved and the man who did this at the end. I just admire you. Period.

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Tracy January 29, 2011 at 7:51 am

You are now, have always been, and will always be innocent. Nothing can ever change this and it is the case for all of us, no matter how far we go in losing our way.
were there a way to put love in your sweet hands for you to feel the weight of it, i would..
tracy

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foxy January 29, 2011 at 7:43 am

Aside from going through all that you are now (the aftermath), I hate that you both had to witness this. And will probably keep witnessing this in your mind for the rest of your lives. I pray that you find peace eventually, my friend. My heart goes out to you.

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Deer Baby January 29, 2011 at 7:19 am

Oh Lori – I really don't know what to say. Just speechless.

If you can save one person who may be thinking of doing this with this post – I'm sure you already have. And I'm stunned that so many people in the comments have felt the after effects of suicide.

Keep on writing to get it out, to scream and rant and rage.

I'm just so sorry.

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Langdowns January 29, 2011 at 6:52 am

I want to say so much. But then I don't want to say anything. My head is working overtime but my mouth remains shut. What you describe … well … it seems it could happen to anyone. Well, maybe not. But in the heat of a fight. That's scary. Thanks for posting Lori.

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Corinne – Daze of My Life January 29, 2011 at 6:34 am

Mental illness is so, so cruel, to the sufferer and everyone around them. Lori, I wish I had words of comfort for you, but I fear everything I could say would be meaningless.
Just know that you are brave, strong and courageous. That in this time of pure devastation for you, you're helping so many others. You're a remarkable woman. You're children will be so grateful for that in the coming years.
Love and more love to you and your babes. xxx

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Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 6:29 am

I do not know how you had the amazing strength to post this. But I am glad you did. You are helping people, I am very sure of it. I hope you do not blame yourself. This is SO not your fault. No matter what he said or did to you. He obviously completely lost his fucking mind and then did exactly what he had planned to do. You are amazing. Please know that. I have had the "dont be the strong man" talk with my husband. While he has never been depressed or suicidal, you just never know when someone has had enough and takes the easy way out. Except that is SO not the easy way. Not for anyone. And you have every right to tell him to FUCK off as many times as you feel it's necessary. I am praying for you and please take very good care of yourself. Lisa

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Erin B January 29, 2011 at 5:39 am

Mental illness is a seething beast…a snarling monster. It steals through the night and robs us of our senses, our loved ones, our lives. In it's wake, it leaves our Befores tarnished and full of doubt, our Tomorrows blackened like burned out buildings and our Selves broken, bruised and gasping for air.

But from it we emerge. I wish I could say we all come out shining and clean, but I can't. In my case I emerged with both the memory and the pain. Both still vivid after all this time. But I can say, like others before me, that the pain becomes manageable. I can cope, now. I can breathe. I have words again.

You are so unfathomably strong. Your story will save lives. I know it. In a way, it has helped to save mine.

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Amy January 29, 2011 at 5:38 am

I am so, sorry, Lori. I found your blog through another one and I am stunned at what has happened to you. I see so much of my own life in your words. I wish somehow this was just a story I'm reading, but it's not…it's real, and it is your life.

You are in my thoughts. I am so sorry.

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Sally January 29, 2011 at 5:20 am

Lori,
You are truly an amazing person to honestly share such a sad, tragic and deeply personal part of your life.
I hope that your words have the ability the heal and help others who may be considering the same action.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but also hope that all of these encouraging, and loving comments help you to heal.
Love, Sally

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Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 5:19 am

Lori – you are saving lives by writing this for the world to read.
Much LOVE to you,your babies & family during this traumatic and fucked up time.
You are incredible.
XOXO

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Jenny Chapman January 29, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Thank you not just for sharing so vividly Tony's last moments, but for being so honest about your last weeks/days with him. That takes guts, Lori, and in that courage there's healing. And I am grateful for your openness so that others will learn that behind the happy home facade there is often a darkness we feel we are all alone with and no-one else can see or understand – you are breaking that apart. We are not alone. "You Speak" is the best catch-cry, and Lori, You Spoke.
Jenny (@jayjaycee1)

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Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 4:50 am

Dear Lori
More love. I've no words. Just love for you all. xxx

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Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 4:23 am

Dear Lori, You don't know me and I don't know you. I've been following you since Glowless mentioned your plight. I want you to know you are amazing, incredible and oh so very wise. My heart aches for you and today I sobbed when I read your post. If we were closer (I am in Perth, you in Sydney), I would be over at yours with a bunch of flowers and I would make you a cup of tea. I am the mother of a 13 and a 1/2 month old and I too am anxious and depressed. On medication. My husband who I adore, is miserable and moody. Not the man I married. As I said, I ache for you & what you are going through. Be strong. You are stronger than you ever imagined. You are amazing.
Emma

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Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 4:07 am

Bless your heart, your family and your mind. You didn't deserve that. I am so sorry.

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ster January 29, 2011 at 3:49 am

dear god. first of all, i'm sure the rational side of you knows that this isn't your fault. that you couldn't have done anything to stop him. there was no way you could have known what was going on inside his mind. but the emotional side of you just hears those hurtful and spiteful words he spat at you over and over again. i'm sure they're on instant replay a thousand times a day. it's hard to unhear words that have been heard. especially when they hurt. especially when they accompany such a violent act. i just want to thank you for being so honest. i'm sure those who knew the two of you in person will be shocked to read this. or will question how or why you could share all of this (maybe his parents or family the most… but they will be angry because it's painful to read, and probably unbelievable to them).. but i think it's so good of you to share the most brutally honest parts of this. as long as we as a society sugar coat or lie about the actual events of things like this- we don't help anyone else. we don't make the situation any better and we certainly don't shed any light on it.

so thank you for sharing. and i'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. and i'm certain the moment he jumped and his soul left his body- he was kicking himself, thinking what the hell did he just do? he probably wishes he could take it back. i'm sorry he can't. for you and your children and everyone else who loved him.
hugs.

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Mrs J January 29, 2011 at 3:36 am

Thank you, Lori, for your and no-holds-barred honesty about what happened.

In my battle with Depression a few years ago, I came so fucking close to suicide. And I remember what colour rope it was too. Orange. Thankfully, I was able to drag myself out of that shithole of a place.

Now my husband is battling depression and is a fucking horrible person to live with at times. I have told him your story, I will show him this post and make him read it. He knows he is suffering from depression and has sought help for it but it's not over and it is having a terrible impact on our marriage.

Perhaps this will make him wake up to himself and get the help he still needs.

I think of you often every day and wonder how you and your little ones are holding up.

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DylMah January 29, 2011 at 3:30 am

Lori, I've just found your blog. I couldn't read your post and not respond. I am so so sorry that this is your story. I can't begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling, but I feel sick reading what you and your family have gone through. Thank you so so much for sharing. I believe your post will help someone somewhere.

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mommyodyssey January 29, 2011 at 3:23 am

You are such a strong and amazing woman, and so brave for sharing this story with the world – I am sure it will help everyone who reads it. I have been plagued with mental health issues all of my life, and only recently I started to seek help. When a person believes so strongly that they need to be strong, their breaking point is so much worse, and it's that much harder to say "I need help". I'm sure he was an amazing man, who wanted to be strong, but couldn't be any more.
I have one more important thing to say to you. My husband had no idea what was going on in my head until I finally found the courage and opened up to him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do – to ask for help, when I'm supposed to be the strong one. When I told him, he felt terrible – as if "he should have known". No. He shouldn't have – he is an amazing husband and for that reason I kept it from him, to "spare him the heartache and trouble." I don't know if that helps you, but I dearly hope it does.

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Pamela January 29, 2011 at 3:09 am

It's the fucking stigma people have about anyone with a mental illness that is killing people. Your loss is tremendous and I won't apologize because that would be silly. I'll just leave it at that. Praying for you and yours…

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Ratz January 29, 2011 at 2:48 am

Oh my God Lori. I have no words to say. There is a definite reason why you called this post ugly. I had no idea… how this happened. And now thinking of it, makes me feel scared. But for some reason, I see a woman of immense strength Lori. You. You are powerful to have written this authentic post. A commoner cannot do this. Hugs

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Joanna January 29, 2011 at 2:23 am

Lori,
I am yet another stranger a world away who stumbled onto your story via another blog and was deeply moved by your writing. Your strength, courage and clarity are astounding. Thank you so much for posting this, and for continuing to share your story during this horrific time. You ARE changing and saving lives. My thoughts are with you and your children.

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Ooh Baby - All things Cuteable January 29, 2011 at 2:15 am

Lori,

This post is the most powerful thing I have ever read – Please keep getting that anger out. You are amazing, you are a woman of such strength (I think you will look back in time and see that), so strong for her children. I'm so glad you can get all this out in your blog. I called my therapist an angel sent by my mum. PS. I'm not religious in the slightest!

TC, Lynne xoxo

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Stacey January 29, 2011 at 2:10 am

I can't imagine that this was easy for you to write. Just know that you have no doubt saved someone else from the hell that you're enduring.

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JourneyBeyondSurvival January 29, 2011 at 2:04 am

I think you're right. I think it was a 'cry for help' attempt that went wrong. I don't think anyone else would have sounded the alarm, especially if you didn't. You who knew him so well.

It has to be hard to reconcile the man that you knew before with the man that chose to leave you and your family. I too believe that they were not really the same person. Being bipolar NOS, and having experienced psychosis I will tell you this:

I did not have control. Not at the end. I don't remember. I have black-out spots that my husband and children still remember. But I don't.

Brain chemistry can decimate the brain, destroy connections, and obliterate empathy. I know it for a fact, because I experienced it.

Please know, that it may just be that he is as surprised to find himself where he is as you are.

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Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) January 29, 2011 at 1:52 am

My father-in-law had made threats to kill himself a year before he actually hung himself. His access to pills and such were limited, he was under some supervision. No one thought much about a belt and a window sill.

I understand the inclination to blame oneself, but I suspect ALL of these comments make it clear that you should not.

I am so sorry that you and your children witnessed that. My heart hurts for you.

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Kim January 29, 2011 at 1:25 am

holyshit. holyshit. fuck. This is the most terrifying and ugly post I have ever read. Thank you for sharing it.

I promised myself that I would comment on every single one of your posts (even if I didn't know what to say) so that, even if you never personally read it, you will know that there is one more person out here thinking of you, praying for you, and supporting you. You are strong, Lori. Thank you for speaking out!

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House of Dust and Fur January 29, 2011 at 1:00 am

Lori, I came across your blog Before. Your writing then had me in tears of laughter (over hypothetical DIY repairs to a sex toy). Now it's tears of sadness.
Either way I want to say thank-you. As one who also suffers from depression, it's my husband who holds us together and helps our family carry on whilst I'm yelling like a banshee. You've made me realise that I should watch my husband for any signs.
Your writing needs to be read by everyone, compulsory. Make it part of the school curriculum, make suicide talked about instead of hushed up. You're bloody awesome Lori. B.

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Michelle Twin Mum January 29, 2011 at 12:40 am

((((((Lori))))))) I do not even know how to comment on this. I assumed it was suicide but had no idea it was done in front of you. My heart is aching for you and I know that does not help but as with many others I am here reading and sticking with you at this shit time.

You are all in my prayers.

Mich x

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boomerang jane January 29, 2011 at 12:28 am

Sweet Lori, I wish I could bring you peace.

I believe like Breanne & others that he was pushing you away to protect you. As ghastly as this mess is you've been left with, I truly believe he loved you and your children so much, that even in his darkest, ugliest hours, he spared taking you all with him.

That must have been a powerful thing for him to do, considering what a warped & ugly place his head was in. Not much comfort for the pain you have to endure every minute of your waking life, but a small reminder of the warm, caring man he was at his coreyouths man you married.

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Chocolatier January 29, 2011 at 11:06 am

Oh my god, I don't even know what to say. What can I say? I can't say anything of real importance of course. Here I was thinking MY troubles, my stupid middle school troubles, were important, and then I come across your blog and it's like a slap in the face from reality.
I cannot believe this happened to you. But I need to say that you are seriously strong that even after all that, everything that happened, you can still function, you can still get out of bed in the morning, you can still post on your blog. You honestly inspire me. While I wasn't here from Before, I've been reading some of your old posts and it sounds like Tony was an amazing guy. Even though I wasn't around Before, I was still shocked when I read this post about your behavior. I wish I could meet you and hug you, but I can't. Again, I'm sorry, and I'm sorry I don't know what else to say.

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Jen January 28, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Lori, I am so sorry that this man was the Tony you lived with the last week and not Your Tony, your 'The Man'. I can only imagine how in pain and troubled he was to change so much, how much he wanted to hurt and push you away, make you hate him so that it would justify the way he felt about life at that moment. A testiment of your intense love for him is the fact that you didn't give him what he wanted. You didn't bite back, you didn't join the fight. My heart is shattered for you my friend and the reality and memories you are living every day…so incredibly shocking! :( I'm thinking of you and your beautiful children all the time Lori, all the time xoxoxo

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Smudgeblurr January 28, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Wow Lori – you are so very brave for sharing this and I sincerely believe it is necessary to take away the silence and shame associated with mental illness. All the love to you and your babies xxoo

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Tab January 28, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Hi Lori,
I've been reading a while now – and I haven't had anything that I felt I could say, but I want to say thank you. I've cried many times for you in the past couple of weeks. I'm 29 like you and have 2 little kids and a husband that loves me and who has severe depression and anxiety. I'm so sorry [doesn't even begin to describe it] that the unimaginable happened to you. What it has done though is help me realise some of my deep fears about losing my husband in that way [and he's come close], and given me courage to talk with him honestly about it. Thank you for that. Thank you for sharing what none of us can ever imagine unless it has happened already. Praying for you and your little ones – I pray for healing for your hearts and I don't know what else, but that whatever it is that you need will be given to you. By sharing you are probably saving so many lives that you will never even know about.

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Suse January 28, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Lori. Beautiful, brave Lori. The courage it took to write that – fuck. I feel like all the words have been taken from me right now, but I think you need to use the words more than I do. All I can say is that even when I can't think of a single fucking word to say in reply, that I'm listening, I'm here. For as long as you need to put the pain and anguish into words, I'll listen. I wish I could do more.

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Hear Mum Roar January 28, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Oh god, that's awful:( ((HUG)) I think it's really obvious here that Tony really was NOT himself, something was obviously going wrong in his mind, and I imagine it'll always be anyone's guess what exactly caused that to happen.

I'm so sorry about all of this. I know sorry is a crap thing to say, and I'm sorry about that too.

I feel guilty, because I've been on alert for something like this with my man having severe mental illness, and obviously don't want the same thing to happen. I know he's had thoughts in the past and says he isn't that way now.

But honestly, when someone is suicidal they truly do believe everyone would be better off without him. Maybe he couldn't live with the abuses he'd inflicted upon you, we'll never know.

It's also hard to know how things would've been had he stayed. Would the poor treatment of you have continued? Would it be turned onto the kids? Would he have eventually gotten help?

Don't EVER blame yourself for this. You have EVERY right to tell someone you are angry with their behaviour. EVERY right. You are a wonderful person.

I've mentioned before about my partner's mental illness. The thing that I want to point out about it, is that yes, for a year and a half, I knew there was something mentally wrong. He hasn't ever become violent, thankfully.

It took a year and a half of absolute hell and suffering for all of us, himself included, to get a name for what was wrong, and good medication to make him feel more like himself.

And that was WITH him being willing to talk to health professionals, being willing to get medication. I can only imagine the tough road you would've faced had he lived. There's no way for me to say that without it coming out wrongly, and I'm so sorry for that.

Perhaps as Tony thought about doing this prior to doing it, he may have really thought he was protecting you and the kids from his mind. Again, we'll never know.

Despite all of this, I wish you could just have the old Tony back. You're doing a powerful thing here by talking about it, and we love you for it. My fiance has been reading these posts too, when I ask him too. And he doesn't like reading blogs!

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Melissa January 28, 2011 at 11:03 pm

This was incredibly brave of you to write and share. I don't know how you're hanging in there but my thoughts and prayers are with you, and your kids.

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Christina January 28, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Lori,
It was an intense experience reading this post. The pain. The fear. The reminder that this life is so precious. So fragile. My heart is aching for you and your family.
xx

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LadyMunchkinio January 28, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Lori, I wrote to you a few weeks ago and have been reading since,its brutal,reading this post,you ve made me realise that other people go through this,losing someone they really love-through suicide,that its messy and gross and wrong and the pushing away of loved ones, i know, I refer to Papa still most of the time in the present tense,that he (is) was a super loving man,who I missed so F****** much that it still hurts physically sometimes,
Thank you for being brave,for sharing this life altering time with the world.xxx

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storm January 28, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Lori, I just wish I could wrap you and your kids up in a gigantic bear hug and not let go. Virtual hugs will have to do for now. Please know that I think about you every day and wish you didn't have to go through this. Such a horrific experience that you shouldn't have to live through for the rest of your life. Thankyou for writing though, as shocking and awful as it is I think it holds an important message for everyone. My partner's step dad hung himself in September last year, no one even realised he was feeling that way until it was too late..he has made similar threats and whilst I don't think he would actually do anything I guess you just never know do you.
You are one very strong lady, you will get through this although it will be with you forever. It was not your fault.

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cassey January 28, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Lady, you be one strong person. Thanks for sharing this, I know it'll help someone. Hugs

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nellbe January 28, 2011 at 10:28 pm

God Lori, good god, I cannot believe it but thank you for sharing. Big love and hugs to you and your gorgeous kids. xx

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J from Ireland January 28, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Holy shit that is just awful. My heart breaks for you. Thank you so much for sharing. I know someone who has mentioned suicide, I am going to talk to them now to try and help somehow. You are making such a difference by speaking out about this, thank you so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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pigsandbishops January 28, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Oh Lori. I just came across your blog tonight and I wanted to say that I'm so, so sorry. Nobody should ever have to go through such a thing.

When I was six, my cousin shot himself, and his family has never recovered. The lives of his beautiful mum and his little brothers were shattered and never got better, even though it's almost been thirty years now. It breaks my heart that someone can do this to their loved ones.

Sending love and strength through the ether from a complete stranger.

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suburp January 28, 2011 at 10:18 pm

fuck Lori, you are really putting it all out there. it's very powerful and with every post I read, I feel that you are real, ALIVE and that you will develop superhuman strength to get through this. as a 'side-effect' any of your recent posts might be a wakeup call for others who feel like Tony, more likely though for women who are close to a man who is just not giving in to his own weaknesses and does not allow himself to get better. I have seen both, the twisted man who refused to be 'crazy' and turned into a monster when things got tensed, with extreme violence and even more injuring mean words to those who loved and supported him.. but I have also seen someone who was overwhelmed by these 'unblokey' feelings finally chose to get help instead of being angry and confused and i am sincerely hoping that all your writing and all these women (mostly i guess?) reading – and reacting! – might actually be changing things, someday, somewhere.
your're a good soul, Lori.
So was Tony. And he knew you were. And you know he was. Nothing can change that.

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Alison January 28, 2011 at 10:10 pm

I'm angry for you. I'm angry that this happened in front of you and your baby girl. Clearly he wasn't in the right mind but when you're in the middle of it you can't always see that. Thank you for showing us what it was like so that in the hopes that God forbid any of us go through something similar, we will hopefully recognize it and get help in time. I'm so very sorry you all had and have to go through this.

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Courtneyb January 28, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Holy Shit,
You Poor Bugger, This is fucked. So Shocking.You dont deserve this.
Not a bit of this do you deserve. Not a fucking Bit.
Fuck.

Fuckin Hell.

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Kristina Hughes January 28, 2011 at 9:54 pm

My God, that is horrific. Ugly. Horrible. Your husband sounds like such an amazing bloke – to be overtaken by psychosis so utterly and quickly must have been terrifying for all of you. All husbands are total dickheads at times – all wives are utter pains in the arse now and again. We argue, we shout, we hurt each other – that is part of being human. This was in another league – nobody could have predicted that. Nobody is perfect. I hope you have a lot of support around you and people to hug you frequently. You are extremely generous with your sharing and, clearly, are touching a lot of hearts. Lots of love to you, Lori. xxx

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Alison January 28, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Lori, what you have been through you would never wish on your worst enemy, ever. That you have written about it and shared your story makes you one of the most amazing women I have ever come across (I would like to say met, but as I live on the other side of the world, that isn't possible right now).

Your description of events leading up to what happened is, to some extent, one happening in relationships everywhere. So many of us know people just like Tony. Big strong men who put on their cloak of 'normal existence' every day. They put on their happy face to show the world that it's all good. But underneath that veneer of everyday normality they fight their demons. Reading the signs can be so, so tough. They can be right in your face but we just don't recognise them.

What has happened in your life is absolutely gut wrenching. Lori, thank you so, so much for being strong enough to write those words. I know I've said it before, but what your doing is letting us all know that it's ok to spread the word about depression and suicide, it's ok to talk about it. Your tragedy may well in fact help others and save lives.

Hugs to you and your little ones. God bless. Alison xx

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Miss Ruby January 28, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Courageous oh so courageous to write this up. To put it out there for others to read, to understand, to help should they or someone they know be feeling the same.

The situation though is so fucked up and I'm sorry you, your children and Tony had to go through it. I'm sorry he never got a chance to reverse his actions to get that help he thought he would have time to get, it sucks arse that he didn't.

~x~

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Becky January 28, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Oh Lori. You amaze me with your strength. Thank you for posting this, for sharing with us these important things, these PAINFUL things. I believe you are saving somebody else the same pain. I just wish you did not have to go through it to begin with.
So much love to you, Lori xo

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Fuck. No words. Nothing that will make an ounce of difference. Just a lot of sincere thoughts for you, your babies and Tony's family. Mental illness does awful things to good people. I am so very very sorry.

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Jo January 28, 2011 at 9:30 pm

I have no words Lori just lots of love and some seriously big hugs to send to you and your babies x0x0x0x

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bannaua January 28, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Brave lady, strong Mum. I am sorry this had to happen to you. Bloody orange rope and fucked up Vagal nerve? Shit.

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Curvaceous Queen January 28, 2011 at 9:03 pm

So much pain…..

I truly believe that when you are experiencing that level of pain that your behaviour is no longer a result of coherent thought.

Thank you for being so brutally honest, I'm only sorry that for you to get this message out there you have to live this nightmare.

Love and strength to you.

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Annieb25 January 28, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Lori you have endured so much. The one thing that shines through is your strength. It is there now because you need it to push through. Remember that at some point you need to be nurtured. Don't turn away from that. Accept the nuturing from all who offer it to you. You will need every last bit of it.

You are very much loved. Never forget that. Take comfort in it. xxx

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Sass January 28, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Beautiful Lori.

Sending so much love your way.
This sucks. It more then sucks. It's fucking awful and I wish that it never happened.
Easy to say, I know.

xxoo

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Nerdycomputergirl January 28, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Lori I feel sick that you are living this over and over asking yourself what you could have done to change it. It wasn't your fault and there was nothing you could have to done to forsee what would happen. Thinking of you and wishing you healing everyday.

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MaidInAustralia January 28, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Darling, hugs, love, everything. All I can think of is that, as you say, he wasn't himself that day. Probably hadn't been in the previous days. My heart aches for you and your kids. As someone who has had a mental health breakdown, but also studied a lot of psychology etc, I think what you are doing is great. I was given some great advice from a wonderful friend when I was more down than ever before, and it was to write. Write the hell out of. It's therapy, it's healing. I chose not to share most of mine, but that's me. What you are doing will probably save countless lives. And I just wish you strength as you make your way through this. xo

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vegemitevix January 28, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Lori, so very brave for telling the story that must be so raw, it will help so many people of that I'm sure. Hugs to you and your kids. Vix x

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Kate January 28, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Shite!

Thank you for sharing your story, I hope writing it helps you a little as I'm sure it is helping others.

Love to you and your children.

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Cate P January 28, 2011 at 8:18 pm

So glad you shared this story, as hard as it may have been. If one, just one, person contemplating suicide reads this and reaches out for help, it was worth it. It won't bring Tony back but it may save someone else.
Fucking hell, ugly indeed.
Hugs hon xx

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Chocolate Cat January 28, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Your courage and strength are truly inspirational. Your words may save someone else from living your story. Stay strong and remember baby steps…

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River January 28, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Lori, this was so hard for me to read, but I'm so very glad you wrote it. These words need to be said. Things like suicide and what leads up to it, need to be spoken about. No-one's situation is ever exactly the same as anyone else's, but if reading this or hearing about it helps even one person to open up and discuss instead of holding in until breaking point, then you've done a good thing.
Keep writing. Hug your babies, let them hug you. Let our words begin to help the healing.

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SawHole January 28, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Fuck Lori. I am so sorry.

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kim at allconsuming January 28, 2011 at 7:58 pm

When I was at my lowest of lows the rage I felt scared me. The pure pure hatred I had for my loved ones was so real, so tangible I could not see it was where I was at that was the problem, it really was them. But that is the ogre that is depression or mental illness or whatever the fuck it was that made Tony do what Tony did – on the one hand everything that is wrong is the fault of everyone else but on the other you know that it's you and that everyone would be so much better off if you weren't there.

When ultimately both those hands are complete falsehoods. Complete lies. Total falsehoods.

Whatever you draw from this horrendous time, know that it was not Tony who treated you the way he did in those final weeks, who said those dreadful things, who did that horrific final act.

And more than that, no matter what you did or said – or didn't do or didn't say – cruelly and totally inexplicably for you and everyone around you wanting – and needing – answers, know that you played no part in that trajectory whatsoever.

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Bev January 28, 2011 at 7:57 pm

It is so brave of you to share this, and I have no idea what to say. Wishing you love and strength at this most impossible of times. We don't know each other, but you are in our thoughts across the pond x

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 7:52 pm

I just read your post, and with tears in my eyes, let out a big sigh. I took off my glasses, and wiped my eyes. My four year old daughter said, "why are you crying, why are you sad?". I put my glasses back on and replied, "I'm not sad".

In fact, I'm devastated. And this isn't even my story.

Renee

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KT January 28, 2011 at 7:44 pm

There really are no words, are there?

Sending you all my love and prayers xxx

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Heather January 28, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Lori, I couldn't read that and not say something but what to say, I have no idea. thinking of you. Heather xxx

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Wendy B. January 28, 2011 at 7:25 pm

O Lori…this is just horrible….I am so sorry you had to see this…..I don't know what to say but I could not read this and not react.

Lots of love and strength!

Wendy

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Louise January 28, 2011 at 7:21 pm

No words. Just reaching out across the pond and across the ether.

x

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MmeLindt January 28, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Like others, I only became aware of your blog after this happened to you and felt uncomfortable posting a comment.

I could not just walk away from my computer without commenting today. Even though I don't have a clue what to say.

Except. I am sorry.

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Dorothy January 28, 2011 at 7:10 pm

I am so glad you are writing this. You are a beacon of light/truth in a generally superficial society.

Of course you are traumatised…. Reliving these events, wrting about them, feeling again what you felt then, or even didn't have time to feel, will eventually help you heal. I am so sorry that you and your children have been put through this. It's a hell of an experience to give someone.

I attempted suicide twice. Neither time was it "a call for attention". I truly believed that my family would be better off without me, I truly wanted the pain to stop. Things turned out differently. For the better? For the worse? I don't know. Just different.

Keep writing….. Scream… Paint…

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alliecat January 28, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Oh dear God. That was heart wrenching to read, so please know that you will undoubtedly be helping others by sharing your hellish reality. This nightmare you are living, I can't fathom it. I'm sorry. That really was fucked. It's hard to know if Tony really could have been reached, he did sound so very different from himself, and unwanting to be comforted. I am sorry, love, that you endured all this right in front of your eyes. I am gobsmacked. But your honesty and open writing is inspiring. xox

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Barbara January 28, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Like a few others here, I don't know what to say but I couldn't read this and not say anything. I'm so, so sorry for everyone involved in this. I also wanted to say that you are amazing. You will have saved lives and improved others who I feel sure will get help after reading this.

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Probably totally irrelevant, but was there any possibility that Tony had a brain tumour or something that caused the sudden change in personality in the past weeks? I know it changes nothing, but perhaps it could heal just a tiny smidge of the hurt.

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Maggie January 28, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Oh what an incredibly strong woman you are! I cannot imagine what hell this has been for you and yet you seem to have found the strength to go on…..

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deardarl January 28, 2011 at 6:37 pm

What a post: ugly, honest, heartbreaking, chilling, nauseating
…and the bravest post I ever read.

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Taryn January 28, 2011 at 6:36 pm

You are right this is ugly. Very ugly. I wish this post wasn't here. I wish you could start the new year all over again. You have lived every persons nightmare. I can't help but think that Tony is kicking himself right now up in the sky somewhere. You certainly have given food for thought, and hopefully saved someone at the same time. A terrible waste of a precious life. Such sadness I feel for you and your family Lori. Wish I could make it better for you.

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Liss January 28, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Lovely Lori, I have nothing meaningful today but thank you. Thank you for being so open about this, human frailty – it gives us all something to think about and learn from. I send you comfort and love – feels like the drop in the ocean that you're needing right now xxx

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Your experiences have opened our lives to yours and we can't express how human this is. My sister and I who have covered up our stigmas of mental illness and depression for fear of judgement from a archaic family have vowed to "speak out" about our trials in hopes that we will distigmatize this for our loved ones. Lori, your refusal to allow the silence cycle commence has spread strength in ways you'll never even know. I pray that your pain can be fractionally ofset knowing the lives you've changed by SPEAKING.

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Alicia January 28, 2011 at 6:11 pm

I don't know you in any way but this blog from the past few days, but I want you to know how much love his being sent your way from me across the Pacific. I can't imagine what you're going through, but you can't imagine how much respect I have for you and your strength.

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marketingtomilk January 28, 2011 at 6:09 pm

So much to take in Lori. But out of all of that you manage to rip out of the heart of it a message – a really basic, important message. If you're going to hang yourself – be serious about it. Don't let it be a cry for help. Oh Lori. I hear you working through this in your head, so many questions. But most of all, what a waste. What a huge, fucking waste. We remember the big aussie guy with the big heart. You will too. This was not him.

M2Mx

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Untypically Jia January 28, 2011 at 5:57 pm

I honestly don't know what to say. I'm the one with the problems in my marriage. Depression, anxiety and the like. I'm the one who picks the fights, pushes too much and makes threats when my mental status isn't all balanced.

While I've never thought about suicide before (not in a realistic way because I'm scared of everything you just described), I'm much more aware of how the things I say and do affect my husband. I can't imagine. I just can't.

Thank you for being so open and real in talking about this. People don't talk about it. Not like this. And that might be why people still think it's an option. That it's not ugly – when clearly, it is.

I really hope people who're contemplating this, or know someone who is, read your words, and reconsider.

♥♥♥♥♥

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Seaside Siblings January 28, 2011 at 5:53 pm

My god Lori, my heart breaks for you to have had to live through that. He was, by the sounds of it having a psychotic break, there was nothing you could have done. It is just so sad it had to end this way.

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MomAgain@40 January 28, 2011 at 5:50 pm

It is such a selfish act, and there is no coming back!
*no words*
Love to you!

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Kathryn January 28, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Much love and strength to you, Lori. Heartbreaking xxx

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Wow. I cried when I read this. *hugs* This will help a lot of people, what you have written.

If anyone needs help:

Lifeline USA: 1-800-784-2433
Lifeline Australia: 131114
Samaritans UK: 08457 90 90 90
Lifeline NZ: 0800 543 354

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Jules363 January 28, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I am nearly 40 years old and I have seen many things in my life, but that is the most harrowing thing I have ever read in my life. No question. It made me feel physically ill to read it, and I can't imagine how you lived it, and still keep breathing. What an amazing woman you are. Keep going darling, one day at a time, hell, one MINUTE at a time, do it for your babies. It's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. I wish I could give you a hug, or do or say ANYTHING useful, but I know I can't.

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Leanne Scrapper January 28, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I just have to agree with so many other people, so not your fault, he probably didn't think it would work and just wanted to scare the crap out of you – so damn awful to turn out this way, just horrific.
Love yourself, love your babies – your Tony will be watching out for you all – and kicking himself hugely.
Dickhead indeed, but that wasn't 'The Man', that was someone in pain who didn't know how to get help – and you have definitely saved lives writing your story like this.
You are amazing – wishing you peace xx

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Tracy January 28, 2011 at 5:31 pm

You are an incredible and strong woman. What you are doing will help so many people. You and your babies have not been far from my thoughts xo

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Lori – I appreciate that you are writing this. You had no chance of stopping Tony during his psychotic episode, but your words and your strength are going to stop countless other people from inflicting this pain.

You have also brought mental health issues to the awareness of so many others. So many people who are now aware to take any threats – joking or otherwise – seriously.

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Aylyese January 28, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Lori,

Sorry that I have never commented before under much better circumstances. I am sorry that I have only known you in passing on BB without sharing in the joy that was your life before.

I did the only thing I could possibly do. I sat my big, strong, brave husband who deals with all the 'crap' in front of the computer and I made him read this post. I do not fear that this is him now. I fear this being him in the future. He cried, and his heart is breaking for you. But you also opened his eyes to the realities.

Thank you, Lori.

Out most heartfelt sympathies and love to you and your family. This is not your fault. I know its hard to believe, but it's not. I doubt he is sitting up there looking over you thinking "There, I taught you".

No, he will be up there thinking something else entirely.

"Fuck"

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Tirzah January 28, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I haven't been through it, I can't imagine having gone through it, but I KNOW that you are a strong, brave, courageous woman with two wonderful children that love and adore you. A family that has been brought together by this tragedy even when it feels like you're being ripped apart.

I know it might not feel like there's an end in sight, but I assure you there will be a day when you can breathe a little easier. A day when your memories will be the good before the bad and a day when you will be able to tell your babies just how much their daddy loved them and maybe you won't be crippled with tears.

You'll make it through this because that's just what you do after a terrible event like this.

Go out there and be amazing…speak out to people, to everyone you can. You'll help more people than you'll ever know and in the process you'll be helping yourself.

This situation doesn't define you, but it's definitely become a part of who you are…so find a way to embrace it.

Be strong sweetheart, you know the value of life.

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ANB January 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm

I am sorry to meet you in such circumstances. Not that my wishing or thinking do any good, but I am thinking of you and wishing things could be different for you.

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Karen January 29, 2011 at 3:44 am

You are extraordinary. You are amazing.

Just recently I revealed to my therapist what I thought was the worst thought I had ever had, the most awful thing that had ever gone through my mind. He asked me if I knew someone who was going through what I was, someone who was overwhelmed and under crushing pressure, if I knew they had had that thought, if I could forgive them for it. If I could understand that as human beings we are hardwired to preserve ourselves if we can. Tony obviously was having a terrible breakdown, and this culture we live in that won't let men cry and ask for help, it ruined his hardwiring. But yours is still working. It's still so soon after that I know this is probably too hard, but eventually forgivness will help you. Forgiving him for not being able to save himself, for not being able to ask for help, for treating you so badly when he loved you so much. But more important, forgiving yourself for the thoughts that you will and are having about this whole thing. You have a right to any thought, but remember that your hardwiring is working to preserve you, and some of those thoughts are probably going to seem terrible later. Remember then, when it comes to them, stand back for a second, and think, if this was my friend who thought this, after something so terrible happened, wouldn't I want her to forgive herself? Couldn't I forgive it? I wish I was saying this better. YOU are not at fault in any way. YOU are an amazing person. You are exceptional. You are a survivor.

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Thank you Lori. What you write helps those of us scarred by suicide to know what may have happened to our loved ones.
A family member hung himself. He too had a young wife and family.
We have found it hard to greive. Hard to understand what happened. All you hear is that such and such hung themselves and that's it. This family member did it in the family home, for his wife to find him. I could never even begin to imagine how she felt, how she continued on… but reading your blog helps me to understand.
My thoughts are with you and your children. There really is nothing anyone can say to make it better. I truly hope your posts can make someone think twice before inflicting this pain on everyone… to get themselves help.

My thoughts are with you.
x N

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staceygurl January 28, 2011 at 4:32 pm

That was truely the scariest thing I have read! To know that it is your reality is just horrific.

I honestly dont know how you are getting yourself out of bed everyday let alone being able to write on your blog, it astounds me.
You are amazing in your strength, courage and your honesty.

I hope your pain and grief is able to help someone Lori. To stop someone else living the fucked up shitty pain you are right now

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Stranger here, forever changed by that post. The worst possible trauma anyone could ever face – its amazing you can even put finger to keyboard to type out the words.

I'm betting this will help save lives, and I pray you are able to piece yours back together some how.

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Lori I have been reading this only since this happened as someone else said, havent replied til now as I didnt want to be considered as jumping on a bandwagon…after reading this I cant NOT reply.
Thankyou so much for sharing not just this but everything with us, as hard as it must be for you..its true you will be helping others…my husband has threatened to do the same thing over the years, sometimes its felt like an empty threat, sometimes it hasnt…yet it is not the person who he is…I am so heartbroken for you and your beautiful children…our two are very similar in age to your children and it just breaks my heart that youre have to go through this…thinking of you everyday and praying you have strength to get through this time – I know you doxxx

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Jennifer January 28, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Lori this is shit. There is nothing more than I can say than this. No one should have to go through this and no one should have to see it. I can totally understand your anger – I would be bloody angry too. Look after yourself and then maybe you will be able in time to look after your kids too.

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 4:11 pm

I followed a link to this. I've never read you before. I had no idea what I was walking into. All I did was read it. You lived it. Please know that whatever spirit there is that binds us all together . . . mine right now is with you. XO

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Deb January 28, 2011 at 4:07 pm

This is the most intense thing i've ever read. Thanks so much for sharing, i can't even imagine how you could write that. i think of you all the time and pray that you'll be able to get through this. i never even read your blog before this all happened.

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Sarah January 28, 2011 at 4:05 pm

FUCK.

What else is there.

You told a story that needs to be told so it may help others.

You are an amazing strong woman.

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Mum on the Run January 28, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Woah.
I vomited at the end, Lori. :-(
I can't even imagine what your stomach does on a daily basis.
Oh you are brave, so brave.
You ARE going to save someone's life.
You magnificent, strong, enduring woman and Mum. xx

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In Real Life January 28, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Lori, I am thinking of you. I think you're amazing, and strong, and brave, and courageous. *HUGS*

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Maxabella January 28, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Oh brave, beautiful Lori. Robbed. x

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Kim (flufflepot) January 28, 2011 at 3:34 pm

You are incredibly brave to tell your story so honestly. Horrifying to imagine what you have been through, Lori.

You have my very best wishes every single day.

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Your honesty, strength, courage and writing are UNBELIEVABLE. I am so sorry for your pain and the fact that my words are hollow. Your words, I believe, will save many people from very much hurt.

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Lex@babymademedoit.twitter January 28, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Lori, you are so brave. After reading this post I am so shaken by what you have been through that I feel physically sick. I pray that you are getting love and support by those around you and those of us here on your blog. No one should have to go through this tragey, I hope you and those precious kids eventually find peace. sending you prayers and hugs. for whatever it's worth you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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Tammy January 28, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Oh Man.. Lori I have no idea what else to say but I am sorry that you went through that and for what you are going through now…

I too feel sick.. I have tears in my eyes….

My {{{HUGS}}} to you and your children….

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Lirio Jaguar January 28, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Thank you for writing this, Lori.
Nothing you could have done would have stopped this – HE did this, you didn't make it happen.
He'd been making it happen for some time, too. You know this.
Choosing that spot didn't show the world how awful you are, it ONLY showed us how desperately in need of help he was. That is all it did. His big love tried to overcome it, and whatever was big enough to trip his switch swallowed up his big love, too.
You WILL triumph over this, honey.
It is an ugly thing. You're not wrong.
Much love to you and your babiesxxxx

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Ms Styling You January 28, 2011 at 3:25 pm

You are an incredibly strong person, Lori. That is so clear from what you have written today and every day since THAT DAY. xx

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Oh God Lori, I'm so sorry.

CheezelMonster from BB

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Lori my name is Sue, I am Eden from Edenland's Mum. Eden has kindly given me your email address and I am sending you an email, however I just had to make a comment on this your latest and most terrifingly potent blog. You are truely one amazing lady, I don't think you will ever know just how your writings have reached out to a whole universe beyond your blog followers.
Personally I came to you via Eden's beautiful blog on her offering for Tony at the Balinese Temple…. Eden's comment today is so true, 22 years ago we had no help, it was all hidden away in case it offended someone, and we as a Family did implode…. so badly the frightening repercussions are still felt today… Because of your terrible, shocking story other families may either be prevented from going through what you are…. or like my family… be brave enough to re live our own demons and hopefully get healing and closure, 22 years later. Lori please continue with your writing and know that there are many people out here who are thinking about you constantly and are willing to talk and help if needed.. Let us all have our voices heard to reach out to anyone contemplating suicide, to let them know that it is very very UGLY for the people they leave behind. You take care, of your self and your little ones….. Go Softly, Sue xxx

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Glamourcide January 28, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Christ, Lori. Here was me thinking you had me at 'Blue shirt, orange rope' from one of your previous posts.
I'm sorry. So fucking sorry. None of it helps, no words take it back, none of this shit matters. But I can't sit here reading about this parallel universe you've been shoved into, without at least reaching out to say that I am still (always) thinking of you, that I know I don't understand but that I'm so very, very sorry. And in awe of you. Only the bravest of the brave, the strongest of the strong, could sit down and write it all out and share it they way you have. You are savings lives as I write this, of that I have no doubt.

I lost my MIL to a failed murder-suicide attempt. The murder bit, he got right, obviously, but he either lost his nerve or his motor skills and screwed up his aim. So I understand just a tiny, eeny-weeny bit of what you're going through. Nobody *should* understand. Nobod should ever have to go through this, or anything even remotely like it.
You're a warrior. To still get out of bed every morning (or keep going when you've not been in it for days on end) is amazing. You are doing your babies proud, but don't ever feel like you have to put on the strong face. Ask for help.

I'll stop rambling now… but thank you for sharing this. Thank you for being brave enough and generous enough to see far enough through your pain to want to let us into this painful, horrible new reality.

Much love to you and yours. This is not your fault.

x

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Leanne Moffat January 28, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Sadly, I just found your blog via the bloggess. I am so very, very sorry for all this. But I thank you for sharing.Get it all out, for as long as you need to. I have big shoulders.I will pass this along.I will bear witness.tlrnap@live.ca

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TheBLoGMuSe January 28, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Dearest Lori, you are without a doubt incredibly strong but I dont need to tell you that because right now it doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. You have gone through the epitome of hell. The worst of imaginable and unimaginable tragedies. There are no words to even tell you how much love and support you have all over the world. But that still doesn't matter. What matters is that you do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and your babies because unlike the "Sick, Dickhead version of Tony" you cannot walk out on them. You are continuing to wake up everyday and do what you have to because you're in survival mode but more importantly because you know that Tony's choice was NOT yours and it will not BE yours. You will remain strong because you ARE strong and amazing and resilient and Tony knew that. He's still an asshole for everything that happened in the weeks preceeding this tragedy but as you know… Sick Tony, the asshole isn't The Man you married and adored for so long. He was something else and sadly, didn't give the REAL Tony a chance to return.

It's NOT your fault Lori, and you will rise above this because you WANT TO, not because you HAVE TO. You dont have to do shit. Everyday you have the choice to stay here and take care of your babies unlike the choice Tony made for himself and subsequently left you with a mess to clean up. You will want to stay because you are bigger than the choice Tony made and you will be ok. I promise.

Thinking of you and loving you from afar!!

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 3:16 pm

No matter how angry Tony was with you, whether with good reason or not, he had *no* right to do this to those who loved him. My friend's father also did this when she was eight. He had left and divorced her mother when she and her brother were small and then, in a fit of pique, took his own life when their lovely mother wouldn't take him back some years later. I don't think my friend will ever completely overcome her sadness. Best wishes to your little ones.

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Melissa January 28, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Shit Lori. Just shit. How you're still standing and functioning..

The first time I contemplated suicide, I considered hanging. But you're right. I think somewhere in the back of my head, I thought I'd have time. If I changed my mind….

This is maybe the bravest post anyone will ever write.

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Wanderlust January 28, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Jesus. Fuck.

You know Lori, this is going to sound strange. I have been so worried about you, but reading this post… I know you're going to be okay. Reading this post, I see your incredible strength.

You're going to make this work. You and I, we will rebuild our lives from the ashes of what was. Different lives, but good lives. Love you so much. xo

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x0xJ January 28, 2011 at 3:05 pm

No words, just loads and loads of love to you and your kids <3

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Mrs BC January 29, 2011 at 2:05 am

Lori, I can't think of anything adequate to say, even though suicide & mental illness have touched my loved ones. Nothing I can say will touch the hurt, anger, grief, fear & bewilderment that you are obviously feeling. But please don't ever feel guilty – I am sure that your psych has told you that you are not responsible for other peoples thoughts, & as much as you clearly loved Tony you where not responsible for his.
Love & Light, Lady.
Mrs BC
xx

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Karen January 28, 2011 at 3:03 pm

I feel physically sick….

I can only hope you never succumb to the wretchedness that pain can lead you to and end up taking your own life! Anger is a driving, motivating force and I think it's a positive emotion in this instance.
Don't you forget to reach out and ask for help…
I was close to ending my own life in 98 because the pain was too much, suffocating me, the psychological pain not physical. But, somehow, I eventually noticed the pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel and I'm still here for all intents and purposes.
Much admiration for you…xo

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KJ January 28, 2011 at 3:02 pm

I have no words. I'm so sorry. For everything that has happened to you and your family. x

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Dee January 28, 2011 at 3:00 pm

oh Lori…. so incredibly heartbreaking :( It sucks big time that this is your reality…. it is seriously fucked :'(
I feel sick to the stomach thinking of what you had to witness & what you have to live with.
I totally agree… you have probably saved someones elses life by sharing your story with us *hugs* xoxo

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Linda January 28, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Lori,

You have touched all of us. I am ringing my mentally ill and very isolated sister-in-law tonight. It is only through luck that she is still with us. By contrast, you have been as unlucky as you can be. Unlucky, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Not even a little bit.

Linda

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Nellie January 28, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I too have only started following you recently. And you have been in my mind and my heart. Reading this was so intense. I felt physically ill. I cannot even imagine what you are going through.
I am awed by you. By your strength and your ability to share this trauma with us. To lay it all out there. To be so honest and raw with yourself and with all of us. You are so brave. And I know you probably feel thats you are brave only out of necessity but that is not the case.
You are an amazing strong woman. You have saved countless lives sharing this.
My prayers, thoughts and love go out to you and your babies and your family.
Dear god, I hope for you.

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april January 28, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Putting your life out there – to save others, you oh so brave and wonderful woman.
You are amazing.
like others have said- please know this is not your fault – but as one who has a Mum try and almost succeed in killing herself twice, without all the blaming of me before it happened – I knwo you will.
But as someone who has often thought of it herself as the only way out – please know it isn't.
That there is some small part of him that maybe wanted to make you hate him so it wouldn't be so much hell.
And I am sure you have been and will be told this.
I wish I could do something other that read everything you write. every word needs to be heard.
My heart is full of pain and anger and sorrow for you.
May people more qualified than I help you through this.
May it pass.
God – words are not enough.

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Jodie at Mummy Mayhem January 28, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Lori, I truly am thinking of you and praying for you constantly. Friends I know who have read my blog and read yours, are praying for you too.

xxxxx

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Katie K January 28, 2011 at 2:41 pm

this IS fucked. That's all. You are in my prayers and thoughts. I am thankful that your beloved didn't take you and your sweet children with him, as we hear that happen too often. He was brave, he was trying to spare those that meant the world to him. Bless your family.

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Adrienne January 28, 2011 at 2:38 pm

I wish I had some words, but there are none. Several people have sent me links to this post, including two asking me to give you my blog award, so here I am, bearing witness.

I wish there was something (anything) more. But there's not.

I hear your pain and anger, and I'm so very sorry.

The blog award is here:
http://www.nopointsforstyle.com/nps-bad-ass-blogger-award

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Fricking hell! I don't know how to express what I'm feeling after reading that but somehow it didn't seem real. Fuck is about all I can manage right now.

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Georgia January 28, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Dear Lori, I cannot even imagine to know what you are going through. I do not even know you but please find comfort in knowing my prayers and love are with you and your family. Keep writing if this gives you some peace and helps you vent your pain. xx Georgia

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Lori,
That was one of the most intense things I have ever read in my life. Like you, I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and many times i just wanted to turn off my computer, shut it off, shut it out. But what a fucking privilege it is to have that choice right?

You don't get to shut it out because you are right there in the vortex of unfathomable terror, so the least we can do is sit still and be with the horror from the safety of our screens.

Here with you Lori, along for the ride, holding you and your family in my heart and thinking of you every day xxLL

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karry327 January 28, 2011 at 2:23 pm

My heart aches for you and your babies. Sending lots of love your way.

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Naomi @ Under the Yardarm January 28, 2011 at 2:09 pm

You are seriously amazing you know that don't you.

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 2:09 pm

I found my big cousin after he had hung himself when I was 15 years old and it changed my life. I have never been strong enough to talk about it outside the safety of the psychologist's office. You are amazing. I am so full of admiration and although I know you probably don't feel it now, I can see the strength you have as a person through your writing.

Sending my love to you and your kids.

- Someone you will never know but is thinking of you

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Andi January 28, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Sooooo not your fault. I know you said in your other post that you're getting help and I hope they can help you realize that it most certainly is not your fault. When someone has moved so far from who they truly are, there is almost nothing that can be done to help in the moment.

So many HUGS and so much strength being sent to you. You can do this. I know you have said you have to, but you'll come out of this because you want to, not just because you have to.

I just can't fathom….

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Jenny, the Bloggess January 28, 2011 at 2:00 pm

It's not your fault. If Tony was here he'd be saying the same thing. It's not your fault.

I'm so sorry for both of you.

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Lori,

I am a psychotherapist and like another poster here, hope that you are able to find the professional help you need. And also for your children. The older one may not comprehend what has occurred just yet but will have certainly absorbed the strong feelings, the noise and trauma going on about her as well as the experience of abandonment and loss. The baby, too, will feel some thing. Undoubtedly you will see changes in their behaviour. That said, you are doing well… take care of yourself and yours.

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Stylish Mummy January 28, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Hugs Lori! Wow I cant believe you went through all that the few days beforehand… you are such a strong woman xx

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Mich January 28, 2011 at 1:55 pm

like the rest of us, I'm on the verge of tears. I understand why you had no words. as I have no words. saying "Im sorry" just doesnt cut it, but I am sorry that you and the bump had to see it. And I admire your bravery.

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~~Kallie~~ January 28, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Tough post for you Lori but talking about what happened will help you process it all. Make sure you let yourself scream at the world when you need to :)

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Samantha January 28, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Of all the things that have happened and are happening to you right now, that this is the most recent memories you have of your dear Tony just breaks my heart and it is that that I am the most sorry for. To lose anyone you love is usually the hardest thing in the world but to be there, to experience that, to remember… I am so, so sorry! I am so relieved to read that you say this was not the actions, the thoughts, the words of the man you love. You're right. It was not. There was something monstrous in his head and the most tragic scenario resulted but you're right, you're Tony did not do this. This happened to your Tony. Like wives who lost their husbands in a car crash, it was not their husband's choosing, not their husband's fault. Just as this was not Tony's choosing or his fault. As someone with mental illness, I know.
Lori, I'm so, so, so sorry!
Love,
~Samantha~
xx

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Johanna Baker-Dowdell January 28, 2011 at 1:46 pm

There is nothing I feel I can say to even start to make sense of any of this, except that I was so moved by your confronting words I had a very honest conversation with my husband (who is being treated for depression) about how important it is for us to keep talking, not matter how hard it gets.

We are thinking of you and your family.

Johanna

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MultipleMum January 28, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I wish there were some happier memories in the last week of your husband's life. As if his death isn't enough of a burden on you?

Sounds like the Tony you really knew died well before the 6th January. Hold him dear.

I hope you and your daughter manage to find a way past that vivid, traumatic scene. Your Tony took a lot more from you than he could ever imagine. I hope you are getting help with stuff Lori? It is big and bloody hard.

I want to reiterate my offer of help for you or your kids. I am a great babysitter! I come with references x

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Sharnanigans January 28, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Lori, your ability to write about this is super-human and your clarity is also. How very frightening for you. I hope you have as much support in everyday life as you do on your blog. I salute you and wish the best for you and your babies.

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Amy January 28, 2011 at 1:39 pm

After what you've witnessed and been through, I have to say you are an extraordinary woman–to be able to function and write and process all this. I've only started reading your blog After, but I've thought of you often and prayed for you and your babies. Bless you.

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Misfits Vintage January 28, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Thanks Lori. That is so hard to read and I can't imagine how impossible to write. Thank you, it's frickin invaluable. You are amazing. xxx

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Susan, Mum to Molly January 28, 2011 at 1:37 pm

You are right Lori, it is ugly, but it is also real.

You need to deal with this horrendous event any way you know how – and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Write it out. Write it all out. I hope there are also people IRL who will let you talk, yell and rage it out.

As someone who has kinda been there, don't let anyone tell you how to grieve – only you can know and do what is right for you.

Keep writing. I have been following for a while, in quiet horror at what you are being forced to endure.

I think of you and check in many times every day. The only time I worry about you is when I don't see a new post for a couple of days.

I am very glad that he did not take you or the kids with him…

Huge cyberhugs to you. Susan

PS: how could people be emailing you about advertising on the blog right now – I'd be telling them to fuck off (or referring them to a helpful friend if you think the money would be useful).

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Naomi January 28, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Thinking of you and feeling for you Lori. So brave of you to share. Naomi x

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Tamsyn January 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Lori, I haven't commented yet because I didn't know what to say, I still don't. You are so brave to write this down and put it out there. I'm thinking of you everyday, wishing that I could do something to take some of your pain away xx

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Veggie Mama January 28, 2011 at 1:32 pm

This sucks :(

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Moiaussii January 28, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Lori, you are one amazing woman. I don't know what else to say but thank you for sharing this. Love to you and yours

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I am a child psychologist, and I truly hope that you get some professional help for your child. She may not know what she was looking at when it happened, but as she ages, and is exposed to media and the general world around her, she will almost certainly have flashbacks, and remember exactly what she saw, and realise what it meant. Please keep an eye on her and seek help the second she is old enough, or the second you notice any signs that she may be reliving memories. Good luck

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Bec @ Bad Mummy January 28, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Oh my god Lori, oh my fucking god. I don't know what to say except oh my fucking god. That's the scariest thing I've ever read.

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Thankyou Lori. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart for bringing this to light. I havent been following your blog for long but I have been deeply moved by your strength, your courage and most of all the love you have for your husband and babies.
It will take an age to move past this but I know you will.
All the love in my heart to you and your family x

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Trik82 January 28, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Geez Lori… I feel so fucking sick for you right now. I am so sorry for all of your suffering, the before, the during and the now. My love, thoughts and strength are being sent to you and your babies xoxox

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papercouturiere January 29, 2011 at 12:17 am

Holy Fuck Lori. I don't even know what to say. Please, for the love of everything, for the love of your children, don't you dare, not even once, think that YOU are the cause of this. Obviously, he was sick. Jesus Christ. I wish I could tell you in person that you are not at fault. He was ill. He was weak. Terribly weak.

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Erin January 28, 2011 at 1:12 pm

You are so brave.

Thank you.

I am so sorry that you have gone through this.

I really don't know what else to say.

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Amy xxoo January 28, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Its completely fucked up the way it all happened Lori, and its fucked that his guilt tripping you at the end is just an extra kick in the teeth on top of the suicide itself, and you'll hear it from 10 000 other people but…its not your fault. As much as you might have argued, and yelled and screamed and carried on in those last few days, its still not your fault. And as much as you loved him, and love him still, it is perfectly ok for you to hate him right now, because it IS his fault, and it ISNT fair.
And dont stop writing, even if some of your readers think its all too raw. They can just stop reading if they choose, but no matter how much you'd like it you wont just stop hurting, so if writing helps, who cares what the naysayers say…

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Missy Boo January 28, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Fuck! Hugs xxx

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BuBbles January 28, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I feel sick for the trauma that you have gone through. You have shown how strong you are and I just pray that your daughter will be ok.

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Jacki January 28, 2011 at 12:58 pm

I can't believe how brave and honest you are to share that with us. I think it's amazing that you're fighting so hard to remember the real Tony, the man you loved, in the face of the man he became at the end. My eyes are full of tears for you and your babies. Please, please let us know what we can do to help share your burden.

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Jana A January 28, 2011 at 12:57 pm

I am so very sorry you had to witness that. And your children. Oh my! Shit. I don't even know what to say. Other than, I'm praying for you and your family.

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Tai Tai January 28, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Wow. Some things in this world are just far too shitty and unfair to warrant an explanation. You are an incredibly strong woman. I'm stuck for words which doesn't happen all that often. Thinking of you xxx

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Amy January 28, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Lori,

I don't know why he left this ugliness for you to sort out. For your babies to sort out.

I'm angry and sad. This shouldn't happen to anyone.

Take shelter in your babies arms. Be sure to shelter them. They'll be needing you more than you'll ever know. Be the mum that you are – feel it with them, and help each-other heal. At the end of the day – that's what has to happen. Healing from this gaping open wound.

Sending you hugs and strength.
You are very brave.
Sharing that mustn't be easy.
Forgiving that mustn't be easy.

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abbie morrison (morrison.abbie@gmail.com) January 28, 2011 at 12:55 pm

my best friend hung herself when we were 13 years old. that was almost 13 years ago. i joined a youth suicide prevention speakers group, we're all survivors of suicide in the sense that we all lost someone to suicide. it took me 12 years to join this group of some of the strongest people i have ever met. i was the only survivor who was a friend, the rest were parents…their children died by suicide and one woman was an attempted suicide survivor herself, several times over.
i'll share with you now, no matter if it's your best friend, your child, your parent or your spouse, it never gets easier. ever. if you have lost someone that you have dared to love more than you love yourself, you'll never rid the pain. what will happen, and i promise you this, is that in time (it took me years) you will learn to co exsist with this pain. you will learn coping methods that work for you that don't erase the pain, but peacefully welcome it. sounds fucked up. it is. it is all fucked up. i am truly very sorry for your loss, the horrible images in your head, your pain…i'm sorry you are going through all of this. it must be so difficult. i know it is. i've been there. i'm still there. i don't know you or your grief process, but i wish you for you that it is as peaceful as it could be. i wish that you are held up and supported for as long as need be. i wish for you that you find a safe effective way to grieve. i wish for you comfort and sleep and prayers and love…
i blogged about my best friend's suicide on my blog on the 12 year anniversary…here is the link…some of the comments there are helpful, as are all the ones you are recieving. all of your blogging buddies are rooting for you and your children. we're with you every step of the way…my love to you always. take care of yourself and we're all here if you need anything:)
my post:
http://www.abbiemorrison.com/2010/06/june-1st.html

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Donna January 28, 2011 at 12:55 pm

I'm at a loss for words. This terror that you endured (enduring still) frightens the crap out of me. Honestly I worry for every male out there, because they truly do bottle up stress in a way we dont comprehend.

All I can say I admire you with every inch of my being, that I am sorry with every inch of my heart, and that I know that your bravery in recounting this graphic tragedy WILL save another life. And I wish that someday you are showered with all the happiness in the world because I think no one deserves it more xx

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danniibeauty January 28, 2011 at 12:49 pm

So sad……

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Rebecca January 28, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I have no words to explain how sad this post has made me, sad for your children, your family and friends but mostly so terribly sad for you.

I have, thank god, never been affected by suicide in this way and I can't imagine what you're going through.

I will tell you this though. Since I started reading your blog and following you on twitter there hasn't been a day in which I haven't thought about you and this situation.

My mother does this thing that we call "pink bubbling" or "pink bubble" it's when there is someone or some situation that you want you put in a big pink bubblegum bubble and protect them. I am going to pink bubble you and your family so that maybe my thoughts and the others will somehow effect the universe.

My heart (and my pink bubble) go out to you.

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ejay January 28, 2011 at 12:47 pm

You are the most courageous person Lori, I can't imagine the strength it took to write what you did. You never know it just may help someone who is too afraid to ask for help.

Thinking of you and sending love to you and your little ones.

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Draft Queen January 28, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I don't know what to say. You have my awe in that you can find the courage to share this. That you've come this far. This shit is ugly. It's fucked up and it's so unfair.

I can only wish you find peace.

All my love

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lori January 28, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Oh my Aussie friend, I'm just crying reading this right now. Just trying to put myself in your shoes and feeling the doubt and questions, and the "what ifs". They must haunt you. But when you asked yourself, "why did I ignore that" the answer is just what you said, because he wasn't the same man. The Tony you knew would not do that.
He obviously was going through something, not sharing it, holding it in, until he snapped.
He loved you. Remember all of the good moments – years and years of them. That's what he would want you to do. That's what he's doing.
Your story is going to help someone, or more than one and you're amazing to have the strength to tell it.
Much love to you and your little ones. XXoo

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thepixiechick January 28, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Oh.My.God.
Thank you for sharing this, ugly as it is. My enormous admiration for you has just expanded one millionfold.
All my love xoxoxo

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Megan Blandford January 28, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I've heard this, Lori, from my husband, who lost his best friend to suicide. He said they were joking around the day before, his friend was talking about how he would do it. The next day, he did. Steve went to his house that next day, and found his parents and the police. And Steve was left wondering why he hadn't said anything, why he hadn't taken him seriously. But how could he have known things were that serious?

How could you have known?

All my love to you and your babies, Lori. xx

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Jane January 28, 2011 at 12:28 pm

I'm crying. Shaking. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have gone through.

Thank you for being so honest and for sharing this with us xxx

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Watershedd January 28, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Oh God, Lori. I wish I could show this to several people … Peace, still wishing that peace finds you and your babies. Oh God. X

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Lori, Wow, I applaud your honesty and openness. You are brave beyond words. My man attempted this twice last year, taking to his arms with a carving knife. It's a living nightmare. Memories fade, thank god! Wishing you much love and eventual peace.

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Julia January 28, 2011 at 12:26 pm

This is truly……..ugly. Yet, you are alive and typing, and THAT is beautiful. I wish you well.

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Zoey @ Good Goog January 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I don't know what to say except I'm heartbroken for you and your babies.

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Be A Fun Mum January 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Sweetie, I'm just sobbing here. All the what ifs must be swirling around in your head like a swarm of wasps. It's not just the death of your husband you are dealing with, so much trauma, the shock, the kids. And yet you are brave enough to write it down. And I know, you WILL save someone out there because of your bravery. Is there consolation in that? Probably not. Is there any consolation for this? No. There's just nothing to say… and everything to say.

You are so beautiful: you have held Tony to the highest and yet have been brutally honest — no sugar coating.

In the sea of pain, I hope you feel the love surrounding you, even in a small way. xx

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Salamander January 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I would give anything for my tears to make a difference for you – for my crying to lessen your pain. But obviously that is ridiculous. Lori, you are in my heart and thoughts for much of the day lately. Please know that as always, there are kind thoughts, loving words and hugs coming your way.
And I'm sure Tony knows he was a dickhead, but only in the end – and he would give anything to come back and tell you he loves you.

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Varda January 28, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Lori:

I keep thinking I've commented, because every time I read one of your posts these past few weeks I've opened the comment window, and then it just sits there, open, while I try to find something to say, in this time when words just feel so inadequate, when there are absolutely no words than can make everything, anything, OK. I keep tripping over these puny word things and end up just closing the window thinking "next time."

So I suppose what I want to say is that I am here, that I hear you, that although you are more alone than you have ever thought you would be, ever wanted to be, you are also not all alone in the dark. I am, we are, here, too. Not who you really want with you, but better than nothing, I suppose.

Also, when you feel ready, you should go to my friend Adrienne's blog "No Points for Style" and read her, starting with this post: Suicide’s Shadow Is Long. She has been deeply touched by suicide in her life, and has written about it beautifully. If you reach out to her she will answer you, talk with you. She's that way: generous and lovely.

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Sarah January 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Lori, I can't say much. But just that I know. I really do know. Lots of love. S x

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Carol knuckey January 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

When the coroner told me my ex had compressed the nerves in his neck I didn't get it. Seven years later I finally do. You are right to be angry, it is so cruel to be left with the remnants of a life together, when all you want is for him to be here. I think anger is a safer emotion than despair ,lori. You're going to be angry for a while, hold onto it, so you don't go down the wrong path. Your babies need you, and so does the world. Tell people what the hurts like, how it's fucked, make people think twice before they damage the people they love x x x

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Thank you.
This post was ugly, but it has touched me, and anyone else who has read it.
You are amazing, you have amazing strength, and even though I don't know you, and didn't know Tony, I know he didn't mean the things he said, it does not seem he was himself in that final week you had together, as you know yourself xo

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E January 28, 2011 at 12:09 pm

THis is so awful. I'm sending you lots of love and praying for you and your family. This is in no way shape or form your fault. This is going to be so hard on you and your family. Sending you lots of love.

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•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• January 28, 2011 at 12:08 pm

MY heart aches for you, what you had to go through. I cannot begin to imagine it.x
I am with Robyn you are so brave for sharing the UGLY. It might make all the difference to someone else. Take care fo your heart Lori x

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edenland January 28, 2011 at 12:06 pm

That's one of the most traumatic things I've ever heard of, bloody hell.

It's terrifying. Lori I can't believe you have to live with it for the rest of your life. I have no doubts you will. Changed forever.

The strongest metal is borne from the hottest fire.

Thinking of you multiple times, each day. And so is my family, my mum and two sisters …. we have spoken about our own That Day, when my dad did this. It was in 1988 – no counselling to be had, no therapy – no blogging, no getting your feelings out. Our family imploded.

You are remarkable.

What you are doing is remarkable.

You will be ok. I PROMISE.

All my love, always.
Eden xox

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MammaBri January 28, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I'll admit that there have been countless times I've fantisized about death… but being the child of a parent who died way way too young, I know how absolutley fucking awful it is to be left to live. To be left behind. To be abandoned. He may have been insanely angry, but he's taken his own burden and passed it off to his family times a million.

Its been 15 years since my Dad died and I'm still angry as fuck at him. For purposefully leaving his shit in my lap. Everytime I try to make "peace" with his actions I end up more angry then when I started. Its a wretched fucking cycle as I'm sure you know.

I'm sorry that Tony left all his anger and all of his shit in your lap. In your babies laps. Its beyond fucked.

Just please dont forget that its YOU thats going to help float your babies through the *rest of their lives*. I wish I could be your lifeboat for you. You are never ever ever alone.

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Michele January 28, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Oh Lori… I am so sorry. So very sorry. Hopefully your honesty will be able to help other families… But I'm sorry that help comes at so steep a price.

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Glowless @ Where's My Glow January 28, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Fuck. But Thank you. I can't say anything else. x

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Robyn January 28, 2011 at 11:59 am

Hi Lori, I haven't commented before because I only heard of your blog after Tony died and it felt weird to start out of nowhere but I can't read your post and say nothing. I'm a nurse married to a psychologist and know people battling dark mental health problems. Our families have been scarred by suicide. I am so incredibly sorry for what has happened to you and your family. SO sorry. Thank you though, for not hushing it up, for drawing attention to mental health and suicide particularly. I honestly believe that you are saving lives. I'm praying for you…

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cjtato January 28, 2011 at 11:58 am

I am rendered speechless. I wanted to say something, anything. But there is nothing to say. You are living a nightmare. So crazy, but you're right. In the blink of an eye. And nothing stays the same.

Love to you and your family, Lori!

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Veronica January 28, 2011 at 11:58 am

There is a definitely a reason this is ugly. (((hugs))) Lori. Lots of hugs.

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 11:57 am

He was a broken man. Bottled up with so many emotions that the bottle cracked and leaked out rendering him into an unfathomable state of consciousness, he was on a self destructive course and you could not have prevented it. What had taken over him would have drove him to any measure.
It's heartbreaking that you have lost someone, and watched them change, and the ultimate result.
I hope that others, especially men will do what you pray and talk. To someone.To anyone. Before you lose yourself to an ugly consciousness that is unable to be wreckoned with.
xo

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Teni January 28, 2011 at 11:56 am

Oh, Lori… Fucking hell.

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Christie January 28, 2011 at 11:55 am

You are in my thoughts everyday Lori. Hugs to you, you are a brilliant person, Tony knew that, he didn't mean the things he said. I know you already know that. xx

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Kel January 28, 2011 at 11:54 am

You are seriously amazing. x

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Danielle January 28, 2011 at 11:54 am

OMG! I'm crying, literally tears rolling down my cheeks here at work, reading your pain and not being able to put together any words that would match the magnitude of your situation. Like so many others, I am wishing you much love and strength for you and your children, praying for you and thinking of you.

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Danielle January 28, 2011 at 11:53 am

I am crying as i read this pos Lori:-( xxx HUGS to you and your babies

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Katie January 28, 2011 at 11:51 am

Oh dear god Lori. My heart is broken reading that.
Sending you so much love.
Xx

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The Fat Lady January 28, 2011 at 11:50 am

Oh Lori. Fuck. And you know I don't say that word; nothing else has the strength though.

Please don't ever, EVER, let yourself think that this was in any way your fault. Tony snapped, and your actions had nothing to do with it. You are NOT a horrible person, and Tony did not truly think that.

So many hugs for you Lori

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Kymmie January 28, 2011 at 11:48 am

Oh. I'm sitting here with my mouth open. It happened all so differently to how I imagined. Oh Lori. I understand why you feel like this is your fault. But it's not. It's. NOT. Love and hugs continue your way. (And you address? I can't pay the mortgage, but can send somethings to let you know there's love out there.) xx

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Cat January 28, 2011 at 11:47 am

Oh Lori. I have no idea as to the hell you've endured. I wish I could hug you. I so wish I could turn back time and undo it. I have nothing but love and admiration for you and the way you are getting through this which is truly fucked and awful. I have vague recollections of my Mum being suicidal when I was very young indeed. Fucked, just fucked. Hugs, love, peace from me.

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 11:46 am

Jesus. I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family.

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 11:46 am

Dear gawd. I'm crying. I can't even imagine…you are, as others have said, incredibly strong and brave for sharing this. Take care of yourself.

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Brenda January 28, 2011 at 11:45 am

Fuck Lori, Fuck! Shit. I am so sorry honey.xxxxx

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Shelley January 28, 2011 at 10:40 pm

now that i've wiped away the tears and can see the keyboard again, Firstly i need to say Thank U, for writing these posts, for writing with such passion and truthfulness that i can literally feel the emotion as i read.

I hoep that one day is wont hurt as much as it does now.

U may be a single mum now but believe me you're not alone.

Good Luck for your future

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Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 11:31 am

I don't really know what to say, but I want you to know…
You are a strong, remarkable woman.

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emmaincanada January 28, 2011 at 11:31 am

Oh god. This is the scariest post I have ever read. You have just described my husband. Depressed, against suicide, but angry…oh, so angry. Currently threatening to take our girls from Canada to Australia, where his family lives. He has never threatened to kill himself, but he has said we would be better off without him. I have been worried about him for years, thinking in the last few weeks constantly about what happened to Tony but always saying he would never do that. Now I don't know. Maybe he would. Fuck.

I am so so sorry for you. I can't believe you just went through that and were able to write about it.

Lori, you just lost your husband, but maybe, today, tomorrow, soon, you will save someone else's.

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Clea January 28, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Fuck Lori. That's all I can say. Thank you, strangely, for sharing. You seem so brave at the moment, which mustn't be at all how you are feeling in real life.
xx

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Tat January 28, 2011 at 8:57 pm

I don't really know what to say. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for telling your story, hopefully it will save some lives.

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MrsB January 28, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Far out Lori. If I knew how to take those images out of your mind, I would in an instant so you didn't have to constantly re-live these awful moments.

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Claire Chadwick @ Scissors Paper Rock January 28, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Wow! I'm shaking after reading this Lori.
Your honesty, your words, you experience will HELP others & CHANGE others! I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but you are an amazing , strong woman & you are in your way helping others! My heart is hurting for you! Sending you so much love & peace!
xo

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misssy m January 28, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Oh Lori,

This is just horrible.You poor girl. I don't know what else to say.

No-one should ever have to go through this. I hope you've stopped other people from going through this with your brave writing.

Gillian xxx

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Denyse January 28, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Bravely and powerfully written, this THE story of the horrid, horrifying and horrible WORST possible scenario for anyone to witness…is so much worse because it happened to YOU and in front of your child.
Lori, you are alive and can tend to your needs as well as those of your children. Tony left you and now you can and will keep going.
BUT
Always remember that everything you said and did was never going to change his decision. He was not the Tony you married.

Please, as a child psychologist said earlier, start therapy for the children. This pall of grief and loss will affect them as well as you for the rest of your lives.

I hope and pray that the strength I can read as your blogging progresses will give you the motivation to take up study again and complete that degree.

My best wishes for the weeks ahead .. And more power to you – a woman who is a very competent and strong & has friends & family supporting her.

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Mary January 28, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Here through Eden. Stunned by the clarity of your writing. Overwhemed by the sense that, like another commenter before me, he was deliberately trying to push you away to protect you.. And that he absolutely didn't, in his anger and his pain, contemplate the repercussions of his actions.

You are not simply speaking, you are roaring.. Through your own anger and pain and loss…and it is being heard.

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Bee January 28, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Lori, your courage is so inspiring. It was a year ago, almost to the day, my friend's Dad hung himself. It breaks my heart to know that this not only happened to you, but you saw it.

I hope that the blogging community can unite and we can get the word out about mental illness and suicide so Australians have more access to help.

You're in my thoughts x

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BabyMac January 28, 2011 at 4:09 pm

I read this hours ago and just can't. Stop. Thinking. About. It. I have been feeling woozy and sad and angry and amazed and shocked and sad. For all of you. What a shitty mess. My feeling all these things doesn't help though, I know that.

I can't think of anything to say. Anything that will seem to be appropriate, or helpful, so I'll just say thank you for sharing. I am CERTAIN that your words may help someone, anyone and that's a good thing.

I'm just so sorry that anyone has to go through such a messy, shitty, awful, fucked up thing. Thinking of you. All the time.

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Breanne January 28, 2011 at 3:59 pm

The most heartbreaking thing I've ever read. I couldn't imagine anything worse than finding your husband dead- but everything leading up to it and seeing the event itself is beyond belief.
I'm glad you recognize that the person he was- his behavior- over those 3 days wasn't him. It sounds like he had a true breakdown. As I was reading I started wondering if he was trying to be hurtful to push you away. Almost as if pushing you away was his way of protecting you. I don't know…just trying to make sense of it as an outsider…and I'm sure that's hard enough as it is for you having experienced it.
I have to say, though, as I read the post several post, I am amazed at your strength, courage, self-awareness, and eloquence given such trauma. You give a voice and a heart to secret that ruins so many lives. Know that by sharing this horrible experience, you are saving lives. I wish you peace.

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Mrs Woog January 28, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Holy shit Lori – that was just the most shocking thing I have read in a long time. I love your honesty. You are an amazing AMAZING person.
ox

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Good Golly Miss Holly! January 28, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Dude, there is so much I want to say but the words just won't fucking form. I hate that this is your reality. Hate, hate, HATE it.

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Kim ~ One Nutty Mama January 28, 2011 at 1:17 pm

omg Lori my heart breaks to read this. You are so brave to share this with the world even as you process it yourself. I wish I could reach through my computer over the great distance and give you a hug.

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lifestwistsandturns January 28, 2011 at 12:55 pm

I don't have the words to say how incredibly sorry for you and kids. You are in my thoughts and I hope you Find some peace. I think you are an amazingly strong woman xoxo

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floralgirl January 28, 2011 at 12:44 pm

I am so sorry for your incredible loss and intense pain. I appreciate the fact that you are sharing your ordeal, it does help others, and I hope writing about it will help you also. I understand some of the things you talk about, my father committed suicide, and in the weeks before he was not himself, at first very calm, too calm and happy all the while buying a gun and bullets and setting up a place to shoot himself in his basement. The next week, threatening suicide several times, scaring my mom so bad she left the house, then taking his own life. When I found him it rocked my world. That image is stuck in my head forever. I missed so many signs, I never thought he could really go through with it, and I felt so angry and guilty for so long. Many therapy sessions helped me to understand that it wasn't my fault and eventually the anger subsided and turned to empathy. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling , but I want you to know you are not alone. There are many of us out here who understand some of what you feel, and admire your honesty to talk about it. The days will eventually get brighter, your children will help you to carry on, and although you have a long road ahead of you, the heart does heal, and this will become part of who you are, but it will not define you.

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Eva Gallant January 28, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Oh, Lori. I'm so sorry for all of this. You are amazingly strong. My prayers are with you and your family.

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EsLocura January 28, 2011 at 11:51 am

I know that by telling your story with such honesty, you are reaching someone, somewhere whose life may be changed for the better because of your tragedy.

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Toni January 28, 2011 at 11:47 am

Like spiralmumma, I couldn't read that and say nothing. But I have no idea what TO say. Jesus, are there any words for something like this?
Lori, I've been reading your blog for ages — since well Before — and that Tony sounds NOTHING like your husband.
I'm horrified that you have these awful scenes in your mind now, and I hope that the terror and the ugliness fade or at least lose some of their awfulness, for your sake.
Sending you all the love and peace and hope I can gather. XXX

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Madmother January 28, 2011 at 11:47 am

You are an incredible human being to share this, and I agree, you may well save someone else.

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Susan @ Reading Upside Down January 28, 2011 at 11:39 am

My heart is breaking for you and your babies. You are doing such a brave and amazing thing to share your story and hopefully help others to avoid the heartbreak and torment you are experiencing.

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Spiralmumma January 28, 2011 at 11:34 am

I am not sure what to say-but I couldn't read that and not say anything. My uncle committed suicide in front of my aunt. Not by hanging, he did it differently. There's nothing I can say at all that will help in any way. But I am full of admiration for you for writing this brave and honest post. I've been thinking of you, and will continue to do so. Much love xxx

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Lust for language January 28, 2011 at 11:32 am

You're truly amazing sharing this story with us. So deeply moving. Much love to you and your little people.

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