The Tribal Wives- Yummy Mummies in the Leafy Sydney ‘Burbs

by Lori Dwyer on September 12, 2010 · 27 comments

Howyadoin’,

Okey dokey. There’s this ‘Tribal Wives’ series memey thingie- you may have seen it going round, yes? From what I’ve heard, it was started by Vegemite Vix, and it’s been carried on by a whole stack of awesome bloggers like Missy M, Emma, and Notes from LapLand, to name just a few. And then there’s this bitchy but undeniably funny run down on the dreaded mommy bloggers. Read at your own risk.

I’m jumping on the blog bandwagon, as it thunders past. This is what I do.

So, before we begin, a disclaimer or two. I haven’t been tagged in this one. I’m totally stealing ideas and stepping on toes. Hey, at least I linked.

And, as per usual, this is totally tongue in cheek. Please, no one get their virtual knickers in a twist. If you must send me hate mail, here’s the link, and do make it entertaining. Badly written hate mail makes Baby Jesus cry, mmmkay? I’m taking the piss here. Out of myself. And those around me. And I’m OK with that.

On with the show. An anthropological study, if you will…..

 Tribal Wives-The Yummy Mummies of the Leafy Sydney Burbs.

Latin name: Attractivus Feminis Playgroupus

Habitat: Their natural habitat of the Yummy Mummy is, of course, the leafy outer Sydney suburbs. Large housing estates, filled with identical houses and council-enforced green space. A man-made duck pond is desirable, as is at least one set of primary colored, fire-proof playground equipment; a primary school and small shopping center, preferably within pram-pushing distance.

Additional habitats of this tribe may include playgroup, baby swim lessons, story time at the library, and Gloria Jeans coffee shops.

Plumage and attire: The Yummy Mummies of the leafy Sydney ‘burbs generally have two different attires- a ‘stay at home’ plumage and an ‘out and about’ plumage. A ‘stay at home’ plumage may include tights, tracksuit pants and t-shirts but these must be in an acceptably clean and tidy condition when you put them on (the appearance of snot, vomit or mashed avocado at some stage during the day in unavoidable). This attire is acceptable for power walking with your pram, or transporting children to the local fire-proof playground; but must not be worn outside of the walking distance confines of the suburb.

An ‘out and about’ plumage can be identified by the inclusion of pants or jeans, a nice top and a cardigan. Dresses or skirts are reserved for holy days and mating rituals.

Dialect: Minimal use of swear words, and not around the children, please. Catch phrases may include, but not be limited to referring to one’s partner as “the hubby”; saying “This is so much better for the environment” in reference to just about anything; and the eternal “Which school is your child going to?”.

Acceptable children’s names include any one syllable names, such as Taj, Tai, Jack and Zac for boys (not Bruce); and old fashioned names such as Ruby and *ahem* Daisy for girls, or any name ending with an ‘elle’- Gisselle, Annabelle, Mirabelle (but not Narelle). Acceptable topics of  conversation include daycare, breastfeeding, toilet training, Gymbaroo, baking, carpet cleaning and learning difficulties.

Additonal anthropological information: To be classified as an arch typical Yummy Mummy, one should be a stay at home mum, or, ideally, work one or two days a week. A day a week in childcare so the Yummy Mummy can regroup, get her hair done and reclaim her sanity should not be considered a luxury, but a culturally mandated necessity. Yummy Mummies have, on average, two to three children and one to two mortgages. Acceptable modes of transport for two children include a sedan or hatchback. Three children require a LandRover or 4 wheel drive of some description. Four or more children entitles you to a mini-van and ‘Soccer Mum’ status.

Yummy Mummies drink wine. But not before 5pm. Both Xanax and Valium are acceptable coping strategies.

Yummy Mummies must be weary of disintegration into ‘Slummy Mummy’ status. This can occur through the gratuitous drinking of alcohol other than wine, especially during the daylight hours; having a protruding ‘muffin top’; referring to one’s children as “Bastards”; using wither the c-word or f-word in general conversation around the children or being a *gasp* *ahem* dirty smoker. (Won’t somebody please think of the children?!)

——–

Well there you go, RRSAHMer’s- that’s the seedy underbelly of the leafy Sydney burbs. I am a self confessed Yummy Mummy, a card carrying resident of the leafy Sydney ‘burbs. This is reinforced by my huge all-wheel-drive and my collection of tailored track suit pants.

But it’s a very fine line.I’m sad to say I’m seriously in jeopardy of sliding into Slummy Mummy status if I keep on bake-failing the way I have been. Not to mention the dirty, filthy cigarettes. *Ahem * Cough* *Hack up lung*. Keep in tuned to this station for more on that one- it seems I’ll be quitting smoking soon, and won’t that just be a barrel of fun…?

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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

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Fred March 7, 2014 at 1:55 pm

So is this self-inflicted, or is it a case of no shops around to shop at ? Anyhow, how did you get to it – just thinking about it or what ? You could have always taken up Scrabble or maybe have a lunch together at the pub or other. You can have a chicken schnitzel on me …

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DanniiBeauty September 17, 2010 at 11:48 pm

Great post! Definitely got me thinking!

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nadinewrites108 September 17, 2010 at 10:36 am

I LOVE IT! I especially love that in one day (namely yesterday) I have managed to ex-communicate myself from any hope of entering the clan. I began the day by teaching The Lion "Fuck's sake", followed up by venturing out with pram (along main roads because our leafy suburb does not have footpaths for pretty pram pushers). I was wearing sagging track pants, muffin top bulging and day-old top covered in Blossom vom. I venured with pram because the thought of bundling them into my freaking little Mazda hatch was too unbearable. later that afternoon (having run out of valium), I gulped a couple of steadying mouthfuls of vodka and waited for Mr D to return from work at 10pm (yes, he drives a battered old Hilux ute).

But today I'm much yummier… mainly because I'm in clean clothes courtesy of Lion puke all over old ones. :-)

Still aspiring!
N

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Marlene September 14, 2010 at 11:59 am

Hey, at least you don't live in one of those identical, cookie-cutter houses….yours is purple after all ;)

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EmmaK September 13, 2010 at 11:42 pm

lol! thanks so much for the insight

Four or more children entitles you to a mini-van and 'Soccer Mum' status.

Here in Baltimore you actually see this type of Mummy even with one kid driving a mini-van -you are a nobody here unless you can beg borrow or steal your way towards purchasing an (if necessary used) mini van preferably with built in DVD player. I'm glad the Sydney mums are a little more environmentally conscious!! In the interests of disclosure I don't own a mini van.

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momentsofwhimsy September 13, 2010 at 8:35 pm

Haha – LOVE this, having formerly been a young mummy in the suburbs of Sydney before jumping the ditch to face the tribal wives of New Zealand.

Fabulous post!
Cate :-)

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mummabear1970 September 13, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Love it! Recognise many of my own qualities there!

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Melissa {adventuroo} September 13, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Hilarious! So THAT'S how your Aussie moms roll is it? I love the dialect part… yes, us mommies have our own special way with words don't we?!

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Mich September 13, 2010 at 1:31 pm

hahahhahahahhaaa you're gorgeous!!

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Mrs Woog September 13, 2010 at 1:25 pm

That was fucking hysterical – right up my alley. I live on the North Shore so our Yummy Mummies are like the Hills version but on speed!

PS my smoking days are also coming to an end…

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Helen September 13, 2010 at 7:38 pm

LOVE this! Truly made me LOL. I fear I am a slummy mummy…but then, I'm in NZ, and a world away from the leafy Sydney suburbs.

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Readily A Parent September 13, 2010 at 6:52 am

I was offended you called me bitchy, but you made up for it with "undeniably funny." So that's cool.
I am thinking yours is perhaps just a wee bitchy too, but undeniably funny.

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Kristy September 13, 2010 at 6:17 am

You are so funny. I love your attitude. Break the rules, girl! We are better for it!

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Lucy September 13, 2010 at 5:49 am

Ah Lori, brilliant. Nail. On. Head.

And of course, the last paragraph has me wanting to know more……

xx

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In Real Life September 13, 2010 at 2:28 am

Awesome! :)

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Very Bored in Catalunya September 13, 2010 at 1:19 am

Great post, I'm thinking I missed a touch with the latin name, wonder if anyone will notice if I go back and add one in.

Great to have found you via the tribal viral wives. x

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Kelly September 12, 2010 at 11:14 pm

lol, awesome post.

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x0xJ September 12, 2010 at 8:57 pm

HEE-LAIR-I-US!
Laughing the whole way through!!

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Brenda September 12, 2010 at 8:52 pm

I have met you IRL and I can totally vouch that you are a Yummy Mummy! Okay fine, semantics schmantics. Yummy-ish then.; )

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River September 12, 2010 at 8:01 pm

I used to be a yummy mummy, but sadly I've let myself go. Not only do I have a muffin top, I have the rest of the muffin to go with it.

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vegemitevix September 12, 2010 at 7:17 pm

What an excellent take on the theme Lori, well done! Being an expat Kiwi (now living in Hampshire – yeah I know from beautiful beaches to Blighty, what was I thinking. I was in lurvvvve..)I know this type well. I've done the expat gig in Australia too and I suspect the Sydney yummy mummy is a close cousin of the lesser-spotted Hamilton/Ascot yummy mummy of Brisbane. Would that be correct? Vix xx

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Jacki September 12, 2010 at 4:22 pm

Lori, you rock my world! Alas, I fear my muffin top puts me in the slummy mummy category. Daggnamit!

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MMBB September 12, 2010 at 11:29 pm

hahaha Oh my I didn't even know I was a Slummy Mummy bhahaha

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misssy m September 12, 2010 at 7:29 pm

Great you went with this lori! How come never having been to a Sydney suburb I recognise this species ?! Going to edit my one to oblige the link to yours too.

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Emily September 12, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Love it! And Holly. please do! ;)

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Good Golly Miss Holly! September 12, 2010 at 2:51 pm

BAHAHAHAHAHA dear sweet lord, this is absolute gold and totally reaffirms my desire to move out your way in the next couple of years. I may have to do one for the bogan mamas of the south west though. You know, just for shits and giggles ;)

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